Roger Ebert: Self - Guest

Quotes 

• Conan O'Brien : Let's talk about your past. In the seventies, you viewed... porn movies. You were, you reviewed, uh, pornography. And you would write, you would write in-depth reviews.

  Roger Ebert : Okay.

  Conan O'Brien : Well, did you, or didn't you?

  Roger Ebert : I have been a film critic of the Chicago Sun-Times since 1967, and in the seventies, porn movies opened in real theaters.

  Conan O'Brien : Right.

  Roger Ebert : And they were advertised, and couples went to see them.

  Conan O'Brien : Yes, yes.

  Roger Ebert : There's a documentary out called "Inside Deep Throat", which is about that phenomenon.

  Conan O'Brien : Yes, yes. This is nothing to be ashamed of. I don't know why you're getting so defensive.

  Roger Ebert : Because it SOUNDS like I worked for Hustler or something.

  Conan O'Brien : No no no no, this was legitimate, but what did you, here's my question. As a reviewer, what did you look for in porn? What, what...

  Roger Ebert : Conan, if it's a porn movie, you don't have to look for it.

  Conan O'Brien : Right, right. Well, okay.

  Roger Ebert : It's kind of easy to see.

  Conan O'Brien : Well, I'm curious. Are you looking at physical attributes, are you looking at story lines? Like, I did- "when he came and delivered the pizza, I didn't buy it. There didn't seem to be any- there was no need for a pizza, no pizza was ever ordered."

  Roger Ebert : Somebody once said...

  [audience laughter] 

  Conan O'Brien : These are all legitimate questions.

  Roger Ebert : You're right on the right trail here. You're very close. You're a better film critic than you know. Somebody once said, "You know it's a bad porn movie if they spend too much time delivering pizza."

  Conan O'Brien : Right. Right. Or there's too much...

  Roger Ebert : Or getting in and out of doors...

  Conan O'Brien : Yes, I hate porn that has a plot. Yeah, exactly.

  Roger Ebert : Go through any doors, get into any cars, get any pizza.

  Conan O'Brien : Right.

  Roger Ebert : Take any telephone calls. Nothing.

  Conan O'Brien : You like 'em to get it on, and get it on fast, is what you're saying.

  Roger Ebert : Um...

  [audience cheers] 

  Conan O'Brien : Is that fair? Is that fair?

  Roger Ebert : I think I'll let you speak for yourself.

  Conan O'Brien : Okay, all right. Did you use the thumbs up scale back then, or was there another?

  Roger Ebert : [audience laughter]  No, we were still using stars in those days.

  [Roger smiles at the audience] 

  Roger Ebert : [to Conan]  You should be ashamed of yourself, young man.

  Conan O'Brien : You're never coming back, are you?

  Roger Ebert : I don't think I'll ever leave. I'm having a great time.

• Conan O'Brien : I'm curious, what do you think was the worst film of the year? In your opinion.

  Roger Ebert : Uh, a tie between "Troy" and "Alexander", with a slight edge to "Alexander", I believe.

  Conan O'Brien : Right. I kinda liked "Troy", "Alexander" was, uh... was...

  Roger Ebert : Well he was supposed to be gay. So...

  Conan O'Brien : Yeah. Colin Farrell, the Alexander.

  Roger Ebert : Yeah, so he has these significant glances he exchanges with this guy, and then they hug, and then he has this torrid sex scene with Rosario Dawson that lasts for about 25 minutes, every one of which I enjoyed.

  Conan O'Brien : Yeah, I had no complaints about that scene. No, Rosario Dawson looked incredible.

  Roger Ebert : What did you notice about her?

  Conan O'Brien : Well I think we ALL noticed that...

  Roger Ebert : What? What was that?

  Conan O'Brien : Well come on.

  Roger Ebert : Well, come on.

  Conan O'Brien : Her breasts are HUGE!

  Roger Ebert : They're BIG! They're big!

  Conan O'Brien : They're big and they're perfect.

  Roger Ebert : She is perfect. She's a beautiful woman.

  Conan O'Brien : I saw the movie in 3-D and I broke my neck.

  [pretends to laugh and knocks over his desk microphone] 

• Roger Ebert : The only erotic X-rated movie I ever saw was "Emmanuelle".

  Conan O'Brien : Wh- I, I didn't see "Emmanuelle".

  Roger Ebert : "Emmanuelle", the classic.

  Conan O'Brien : Oh, well.

  Roger Ebert : The airplane scene.

  Conan O'Brien : What's the airplane- what happens on the airplane?

  Roger Ebert : Well, they kind of... I don't think I'd better tell you.

  [audience laughter] 

  Conan O'Brien : I'm guessing it involves sex. Do they join the Mile High Club?

  Roger Ebert : Yes they do. They're, dues- not only the dues-paying member, she's also the president.