- Sam Malone: Come on, you guys, come on. We don't have to bite each others' heads off here.
- Cliff Clavin: It may be the only thing we get to eat this day, Sammy.
- Sam Malone: Oh, look at that will you? Nice Rudolph.
- Woody Boyd: I made it myself.
- Sam Malone: No kidding?
- Woody Boyd: You know, Rudolph is my favourite guy in the Christmas song.
- Sam Malone: Yeah.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Apparently then Woody, you're unaware that the story of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is one of the most unrealistic and therefore potentially damaging in all of children's music. It gives them a horribly distorted view of reality.
- Woody Boyd: Yeah, but you got to admit, it's easy to whistle.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: No, I'm serious. First the other reindeer tease and then ostracise him. And then when his abnormality proves of service, they use him.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Sam and Woody are speechless] But then do they allow him to play in their stupid reindeer games?
- Sam Malone, Woody Boyd: Yes.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, no, I know how the song goes. In fact, not only do Donner, Blitzen, et al, not love him and laugh out loud with glee, but they doubly dispise the bulbous-nosed little wimp.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier gets up] Well, I've got to be off. Happy Holidays!
- [Frasier leaves, Sam and Woody are shocked]
- Norm Peterson: Guys, listen. I'm having a slight problem with the damn bird.
- Diane: What color is it now, Norm?
- Norm Peterson: Well, I think we're moving into the earth tones.
- Woody Boyd: Could somebody please explain to me where the little 'pop thing' is on the turkey? I mean, 'cause maybe it's different in the city, but in the country, where I come from, turkeys aren't *born* with little pop things!
- Norm Peterson: I think something's wrong with your oven, Carla.
- Carla: Hey, my oven was just fine until you stuffed Birdzilla in it!
- Woody Boyd: This is Thanksgiving, and I still say this is going to be the greatest.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, who the hell do we think we're kidding? We're all a bunch of pathetic dropouts. Scorned by our loved ones - as if anybody ever loved us at all.
- Sam Malone: Hey, will you lighten up, man? The only thing wrong here is, we're hungry. Now, who else wants to join me in these... ice cold potatoes?
- Cliff Clavin: It'll go great here with the Jell-o soup.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I'm dying to try some of the hair growing on the crudités!
- Diane: Sam, I had thought... we might spend the holidays together, but when you made no move in that direction, I... made these alternate plans, I hope it won't spoil your holiday.
- Sam Malone: Thank you, no, I have... I have other plans.
- Diane: Oh... good, I'm glad to hear that. And in all fairness I will understand if you get an empty court for the day. It wouldn't hurt my feelings in the slightest.
- [Smiles and starts walking away]
- Sam Malone: Good, good, because I already have a date with Wendy.
- Diane: [Tearfully] How could you...
- Sam Malone: Now you just said that it was okay, didn't you?
- Diane: [Mimicking a child] Ye-e-e-es.
- [Sam looks away from her and pulls an astonished face]
- Diane: I'm sorry!
- [Stifles a sob]
- Diane: It's fine. Enjoy.
- Sam Malone: Thank you.
- Diane: Besides, I know that we'll have many holidays together when you and I are one.
- [Smiles sweetly]
- Sam Malone: You already *are* one, Diane.
- [Gives a giggle as Diane smiles at him]
- Norm Peterson: Everybody get enough to eat?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: You know, I never had a chance to try the potatoes.
- Sam Malone: [scooping mashed potatoes off the mantelpiece onto Frasier's plate] Oh, well here, let me...
- Sam Malone: Come on, tell us what happened.
- Diane: I'm afraid my golden afternoon has turned to dross!
- Woody Boyd: [Looks out the window] Yeah, I thought it was clouding up out there...
- Diane: I would like to thank all those who have influenced me over the years: Teilhard de Chardin...
- [Goes on to declaim exhaustive, pretentious list]
- [Last lines]
- Norm Peterson: Everybody, this is Vera.
- [Vera enters the dining room with her face covered in a pie]
- Vera Peterson: Charming friends, Norm. Get your coat!
- Norm Peterson: Yes, dear.