- Esther Clavin: [to Cliff] I'm looking forward to seeing what you're doing with your life and how we can go about fixing it.
- Esther Clavin: What's your name?
- Woody Boyd: Woody.
- Esther Clavin: Woody! Oh, that's the name of a boy whose mother raised him right.
- Woody Boyd: Really? 'Cause I looked it up and all I could find was "tree-like".
- Esther Clavin: Clifford, I'm not trying to make you jealous. I don't have to. I found a wonderful companion in Woody. He's like the son I never had.
- Cliff Clavin: What about me?
- Esther Clavin: You're the son I did have.
- Rebecca Howe: I think we'll just make an entrance through the alley.
- Sam Malone: Oh, you got to be kidding. What are you going to do? Bust a hole in my wall?
- Norm Peterson: Oh, actually Sam, you know that window - the leaded stain glass window - is in a single wooden frame, so I think you could pop it out fairly easily with a crowbar. I think the opening is like four by eight which is perfectly good for a standard entrance. You build a little staircase and you've got a nice little doorway.
- Sam Malone: Boy you've put a lot of thought into this.
- Norm Peterson: It's always been a dream of mine to someday retire and build a little apartment back there.
- Cliff Clavin: I got you a great hotel here. Look, it's got HBO...
- Esther Clavin: You shouldn't go to that expense. All I need is a large appliance carton and I can sleep on the street with all the other forgotten mothers.
- [Cliff and Woody are fighting over Ma Clavin's affections]
- Esther Clavin: Now, now, boys. Let's not get into a Cain and Abel situation here. I can love you both for different reasons. Woody, I can love you because you're generous and kind and strong. And Clifford, I can love you because I'm your biological mother and nature dictates there be a bond.
- Esther Clavin: [after Cliff and Woody accidentally fall into a hole] Yes, they're my children all right. Both dumb as dishwater.