- Diane Chambers: I have to come up with a topic for my psychology paper by tonight. I'm at complete loss. Of course, I could churn out your run of the mill essay on sadomasochism, bestiality, bondage and discipline, but I'm looking for something with a little pizzazz.
- Sam Malone: [reading the cover page of the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior] "The Don Juan Syndrome in Modern Culture - An Analysis of..."
- [he stumbles on the final word]
- Sam Malone: "... Satyriasis". Oh man, she did it. She even made my sex life boring.
- Carla Tortelli: And not for the first time.
- Sam Malone: [about the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior] It makes my life seem so cheap and pathetic.
- Diane Chambers: Sam, you're reading things into this.
- Sam Malone: [points at a page in the paper] Like here where it says, "his life is cheap and pathetic"?
- Diane Chambers: [about her first sexual encounter] It was the summer of my nineteenth year. He was a young man in uniform. It was a brief encounter. He left my arms and went to his doom.
- Sam Malone: Oh no, he was killed, huh?
- Diane Chambers: No, no, he went off to boot camp and came back with the most God awful haircut I'd ever seen.
- Sam Malone: [about the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior] Everything in here is true, including the part about, I've never had a non-sexual relationship.
- Diane Chambers: Now there. That's a good example of exaggeration. You and I have a non-sexual relationship.
- Sam Malone: How can you say that?
- Diane Chambers: Well, I think the fact that we don't have sex is a major hint.
- Carla Tortelli: [about Diane] Oh Sam, would you please see if you could light a fire under the Stick. She's been goofing off for an hour.
- Sam Malone: Oh yeah?
- Carla Tortelli: Yeah. She's got to write some paper about sex and she can't think of anything to write about.
- Sam Malone: You're kidding me? She's studied for a whole year at Sammy State.
- [Sam runs over to Diane]
- Sam Malone: Hey there. I hear you're writing a paper on sex. Is there any way I can help out?
- Diane Chambers: Thank you, Sam. This paper is on 'human' sexuality.