Cheers (TV Series)

Don Juan Is Hell (1985)

Shelley Long: Diane Chambers

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Quotes 

• Diane Chambers : I have to come up with a topic for my psychology paper by tonight. I'm at complete loss. Of course, I could churn out your run of the mill essay on sadomasochism, bestiality, bondage and discipline, but I'm looking for something with a little pizzazz.

• Sam Malone : [about the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior]  It makes my life seem so cheap and pathetic.

  Diane Chambers : Sam, you're reading things into this.

  Sam Malone : [points at a page in the paper]  Like here where it says, "his life is cheap and pathetic"?

• Diane Chambers : [about her first sexual encounter]  It was the summer of my nineteenth year. He was a young man in uniform. It was a brief encounter. He left my arms and went to his doom.

  Sam Malone : Oh no, he was killed, huh?

  Diane Chambers : No, no, he went off to boot camp and came back with the most God awful haircut I'd ever seen.

• Sam Malone : [about the paper Diane wrote on his sexual behavior]  Everything in here is true, including the part about, I've never had a non-sexual relationship.

  Diane Chambers : Now there. That's a good example of exaggeration. You and I have a non-sexual relationship.

  Sam Malone : How can you say that?

  Diane Chambers : Well, I think the fact that we don't have sex is a major hint.

• Carla Tortelli : [about Diane]  Oh Sam, would you please see if you could light a fire under the Stick. She's been goofing off for an hour.

  Sam Malone : Oh yeah?

  Carla Tortelli : Yeah. She's got to write some paper about sex and she can't think of anything to write about.

  Sam Malone : You're kidding me? She's studied for a whole year at Sammy State.

  [Sam runs over to Diane] 

  Sam Malone : Hey there. I hear you're writing a paper on sex. Is there any way I can help out?

  Diane Chambers : Thank you, Sam. This paper is on 'human' sexuality.