- Jethro Bodine: Will y'all stop worryin'. You're travellin' with an educated man.
- Elly May Clampett: You only gradiated 6th grade.
- Jed Clampett: Elly, you can't fault twelve years of schoolin'.
- Cedric Giles-Evans: I'm Cedric Giles-Evans from the firm representing the estate of your distant cousin, the late Marcus.
- Jed Clampett: Well I'm very pleased to meet you, Mr. Evans. This here is Granny and my daughter, Elly May.
- Daisy Moses: Howdy.
- Jed Clampett: He says that my cousin Marcus is late.
- Cedric Giles-Evans: Um, he's deceased.
- Jed Clampett: Oh, he's in luck 'cause Granny's a doctor.
- Elly May Clampett: What kind of disease does he got?
- Daisy Moses: Is Cousin Marcus up at the castle?
- Cedric Giles-Evans: Well, yes, but you see, he's been laid to rest.
- Daisy Moses: Good, just keep him warm. Is the family doctor with him?
- Cedric Giles-Evans: Madame, the gentleman is dead.
- Daisy Moses: Oh, well, us doctors is only mortal.
- Daisy Moses: If Cousin Marcus has dropsy, he better be turned over every now and then.
- Cedric Giles-Evans: You know, Madame, I'd rather imagine he's turning over at this very moment.
- Cholmondeley: And what night this be?
- [examining Grannies jug]
- Daisy Moses: It might be buttermilk, but I wouldn't light no match to see.
- Cholmondeley: Come now , what is this?
- Daisy Moses: That's Tennessee tranquilizer, one of my best home-made cures.
- Cholmondeley: What does it cure?
- Daisy Moses: What do ya got?
- Cholmondeley: Madame, I'm afraid my government would not approve of this home-made cure.
- Daisy Moses: Mine ain't too happy about it neither.
- Jane Hathaway: I cannot permit you to bring it into the country. You should have emptied this jug before you boarded the plane.
- Jed Clampett: If I'd a emptied that jug, I wouldn't have needed no plane!
- Chemist: Let me see if I can remember the formula from Macbeth. Eye of newt, and toe of frog. Wool of bat, and tongue of dog. Adder's fork...
- Daisy Moses: Now there's a druggist!
- Chemist: I do rather pride myself on my Shakespeare.
- Daisy Moses: I never tried that, but if you recommend it, I'll take some.
- Chemist: Take some Shakespeare?
- Daisy Moses: How do you sell it over here? By the bag or by the bottle?
- Chemist: Well I should say that we sell Shakespeare by the volume, by the play, by the sonnet.
- Daisy Moses: Well gimme half a sonnet.
- Chemist: If I could write the beauty of your eyes, And in fresh numbers number all of your graces, The age to come would say 'This poet lies; Such heavenly touches ne'er touched earthly faces.'
- Daisy Moses: What do you make of that, Jed?
- Jed Clampett: Guess he kinda took a shine to you.
- Daisy Moses: What's that, Jed?
- Jed Clampett: Well, it's supposed to be 25 pounds of English money, but whoever weighed it must've had his thumb on the scale.
- Daisy Moses: Let's get back to my Shakespeare.
- Chemist: Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
- Daisy Moses: He just can't keep his mind on business.
- Jed Clampett: I told you, Granny, that rascal's took with you.
- Daisy Moses: Tell you what. I'll take a whole sonnet of that Shakespeare.
- Chemist: May I suggest some 'Venus and Adonis'?
- Daisy Moses: If it's good stuff.
- Chemist: Touch but my lips with those fair lips of thine, - Though mine be not so fair, yet are they red - The kiss shall be thine own as well as mine.
- Daisy Moses: Why don't you take a walk, Jed?
- Jed Clampett: What about your duty to Marcus?
- Daisy Moses: Who?
- Jed Clampett: Cousin Marcus, layin' sick in the castle, your patient.
- Daisy Moses: Patients I can git, Jed, but at my age, suitors are kinda scarce.
- Jed Clampett: [to the chemist] You can mail us the Shakespeare.
- Daisy Moses: [to the chemist] Bring it yourself, honey.