- Morticia Addams: Darling, is that family portrait still around?
- Gomez Addams: Yes, but I'm afraid Thing isn't in it. Don't you remember? He took the picture.
- Gomez Addams: Here we are: a few samples from my diamond mine.
- Morticia Addams: All of our really fine stones are cursed, of course. Been in the Addams family for generations.
- Gomez Addams: Morticia, it's a ransom note!
- Morticia Addams: A ransom note? You mean...
- Gomez Addams: He's been thing-napped!
- Wednesday Addams: That new cactus brush really makes my head feel nice and tingly.
- Morticia Addams: Well, I'm glad, darling. I'll just go upstairs and throw away your old porcupine quill brush.
- Gomez Addams: You know, Tish, there're some times I wish your name were something like Ooo-Ooo.
- Morticia Addams: Ooo-Ooo?
- Gomez Addams: It's almost impossible to blow smoke rings and spell out Morticia.
- Morticia Addams: Oh, I see my roses need trimming again. No matter what I do, those smelly petals keep growing back.
- Wednesday Addams: I won't talk without a lawyer!
- Gomez Addams: [to Morticia, while brandishing a hose] She's a shrewd one, but the psychological effect of the hose makes them all crack.
- [With a flashlight in a darkened room, Gomez interrogates Fester about Thing's disappearance]
- Uncle Fester: This what you call a third degree?
- Gomez Addams: Is it getting to ya?
- Uncle Fester: [relishingly] Oh, yeah. Say, you can take it up the the fourth degree.
- Morticia Addams: Uncle Fester! How can you be so callous?
- Uncle Fester: I've been practicin'.
- Gomez Addams: That does help.
- Detective: But if it isn't a person, just what sort of a thing is it that's missing, Mrs. Addams? Is it a pet?
- Morticia Addams: Well, it's... It's a family retainer.
- Detective: Oh... oh, it's a... it's a servant. Well, isn't that a person?
- Morticia Addams: Not necessarily.
- Sam Diamond: Eh, who was it that got snatched?
- Morticia Addams: Thing.
- Sam Diamond: Thing? What was his last name?
- Gomez Addams: Thing.
- Sam Diamond: Thing Thing? Kind of a name i' zat?
- Morticia Addams: It fits him perfectly.
- Gomez Addams: It's true. Signs himself Thing T. Thing.
- Sam Diamond: Uh-huh. And... the T stands for...?
- Morticia Addams, Gomez Addams: [together] Thing.
- [the ransom note calls for a disinterested party to deliver the money in exchange for Thing. Morticia recalls this as Det. Sam Diamond, unsuccessful at trying to understand who Thing is, prepares to leave the case]
- Morticia Addams: Gomez, I do believe he's our man. The ransom note said "a disinterest party." He seems very disinterested.
- [Disheveled and shaken, Sam Diamond returns from the ransom drop at the cemetery]
- Gomez Addams: Diamond, old man, back so soon? Thought you'd tarry to enjoy the moonlight. We usually do when we visit the cemetery.
- [last lines]
- [Going on a outing, the Addamses head for the car]
- Gomez Addams: Tish, where will Thing ride?
- Morticia Addams: Darling, where he always rides - in the glove compartment.