Da Kath & Kim Code (2005 TV Movie)
Jane Turner: Kath Day Knight, Prue
Quotes
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Kim Day Craig : Brett is now the official Cumputa City floater.
Kath Day Knight : Oh! A floater. Well, what does that pacifically entail, Kim?
Kim Day Craig : Well, Brett sort of explained it like he's kind of like an octopus. You know, spreading his testicles over all departments.
Kath Day Knight : Oh, that sounds like a big job.
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Prue : Hi, Trude. I got here as soon as I could. Sorry.
Trude : Hi, Prue. How's the court case going?
Prue : Ohh! Not great. Adrian's resigning on every company he's ever had preferential shares in. Bloody ASIC.
Trude : I know. They're just bullies.
Prue : Mmm.
Trude : They've been sniffing around Noosa. Graham's had to go and put in a bloody ramp, so he can call it a special facility. I mean, he's ruined my whole façade.
Prue : Oh, no, Trude! Well, you know, you can just grow something over that. You know, like a bougainvillea or something.
Trude : Oh, yes. Or a choko vine.
Prue : Mmm.
Trude : I'll get Paul onto that.
Prue : Yes.
Trude : Oh, poor Adrian.
Prue : Oh, no, Trude! Not poor Adrian. I have no sympathy for him. You know, he gets on a few boards and he goes mad with power.
Trude : Well, Graham's the same. Power, power, power. They love it!
Prue : I know, they're all arseholes. And did I tell you? All those lovely Whiteleys he gave me for my birthday have had to go back to the National Gallery.
Trude : Ohh!
Prue : I know.
Trude : So how are you living? Hand to mouth?
Prue : Absolutely. Adrian is still trading, though, through his secret Swiss accounts.
Trude : Mmm.
Prue : But, you know, I'm just glad I'm working. That's for sure.
Trude : Yes. You're two hours a week here must really help the coffers.
Prue : Mmm. They do.
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Kath Day Knight : Oh, Kim! Look, it's not Brett's fault If you're gonna blame anybody, blame John Howard.
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Kim Day Craig : Mum, can I have a giant Wonka Bar?
Kath Day Knight : No you can't.
Kim Day Craig : Please? I haven't had anything all day.
Kath Day Knight : No, you just had a packet of Nerds, Kim.
Kim Day Craig : Oh, you're so mean. I'm starving. Please!
Kath Day Knight : No!
Kim Day Craig : Please!
Kath Day Knight : I said no!
Kim Day Craig : Ohh! I hate you!
Kath Day Knight : Kimmy. Kim, look at me, please. Look at me.
[growls]
Kath Day Knight : Look at me! Now, I've got one word to say to you, Kim. Oh, yes, alright.
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Kath Day Knight : Kim! Bite your tongue or I'll come over there and bite it for you.
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Kath Day Knight : Now, I'm gonna provide all the bread sticks, and Kel and I are turkey and chook respectively.
Kim Day Craig : That sounds about right.
Kath Day Knight : And I'm going all free-range this year. Oh, God, with the way my hormones are at the moment, I do not want to be ingesting anymore.
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Kath Day Knight : Oh, Sharon, love, no, you can't use the computer yet. I'm still downloading Michael Bublé to my iPod Mini. Oh, I've been looking up his back catalogue all morning, Sharon. It's huge.
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Kim Day Craig : So tell me, Kim. What's all the goss? What's been happening around here.
Kath Day Knight : Brett's had a big promotion.
Kim Day Craig : Oh, really? What?
Kath Day Knight : Yeah. He's been moved sideways. Yeah, so the pressure's really on me now. You wouldn't know what it's like to be married to a very successful guy.
Kim Day Craig : Oh, wouldn't I?
[points to Kel]
Kim Day Craig : What do you call this here eating his yoghurt and moosli. So tell me, what's the promotion.
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Kel Knight : Gee, your trap's tight, sweets.
Kath Day Knight : Yeah, I know. Loosen it up for me, will you?
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Kath Day Knight : Oh, Kim, what did the Doctor say?
Kim Day Craig : She said I've cricked my neck, and cracked my clack.
Kath Day Knight : Oh, Kim.
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Kath Day Knight : [Kel is about to eat a sandwhich] Kel! Don't eat those. They're not for us, they're for The Wiggles. Can't you read?
Kel Knight : No need to bite my head off. I might have one of these drinks.
Kath Day Knight : No! They're Rhonda Burchmore's Gatorades.
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Kath Day Knight : [walking into Michael Bublé's dressing room] Oh, gee, this is big, isn't it?
[seeing the toilet]
Kath Day Knight : Oh, you've got your own toot!
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Brett Craig : I've gotta go to work.
Kel Knight : What? On Christmas Day?
Brett Craig : New workplace agreements, Kel.
Kath Day Knight : Oh, bloody Howard! I bet he's not working on Christmas Day.
Kim Day Craig : Who?
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Kath Day Knight : [after taking the Christmas turkey out of the oven] Oh, no. Oh, it's still completely frozen in the middle! Oh, how can that be? Ohh! Ow!
[goes to put it in the microwave but burns her hands and drops the turkey on the kitchen floor]
Kath Day Knight : Oh! Oh!
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Kath Day Knight : Can you hear someone outside, Kel?
[dramatic choral music plays]
Kath Day Knight : It's the albino, Kel! It's John Monk! What's he doing here? He's coming inside!
Kel Knight : Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
Kath Day Knight : What?
Kel Knight : The code, Kath. I've just realised. All the signs were there. I've cracked it, Kath!
Kath Day Knight : Yeah, I think I have to, Kel!
Kel Knight : No, I've cracked the code. The Da Vinci Code. Listen, it's like a puzzle. First, there was the car that nearly ran over me. Then there was the slashed painting.
Kath Day Knight : And our names, Kel. I've always thought. Kel Knight, Knight's Templar. And Kath Day - Opus Dei.
Kel Knight : And now John Monk has come here to kill us, just like in the end of "The Da Vinci Code".
Kath Day Knight : Is that what happened in the end? Because I didn't finish it! I lost interest! Oh, no!
[screams]
John Monk : Have you cracked the code yet?
Kel Knight : Yes. And you're going to kill us!
John Monk : No, no. I'm not. You haven't read the clues properly. You haven't worked it out, have ya? Where is that painting?
Kath Day Knight : The painting? It's there.
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Kel Knight : So each number corresponds to a letter of the alphabet?
Kath Day Knight : And it spells out the magic word: "Franchisee"? Well, what does that mean?
John Monk : It means that I want to offer you and Kel the Da Vinci Code Tour franchise.
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Kel Knight : So John, why are you selling the franchise?
John Monk : It's hair dressers orders, really. I'm not really an albino.
Kel Knight , Kath Day Knight : Oh.
John Monk : [chuckles] No, this is peroxide.
Kel Knight , Kath Day Knight : Oh.
John Monk : Amazing, isn't it? Vidal says that if I'm not careful, this, this could turn into one great big dried-up frizzy old perm.
Kath Day Knight : Oh, that'd be awful wouldn't it? You wouldn't want one of those. Anyway, John, would you like to stay for tea?
John Monk : Well, what is it?
Kath Day Knight : Yeah? Oh, we're just going to have some seafood, some left over seafood.
John Monk : Australian seafood. Very nice.
Kath Day Knight : Yeah, I've got a nice piece of extender there, haven't I? And we've got the Chicken Tonight, that we didn't have today, that we can have tonight.
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Kel Knight : So, John, what do you think of Australia?
Kath Day Knight : Oh, yes! Tell us. Be honest, be honest.
Kim Day Craig : It's the best place in the world, isn't it?
John Monk : Well to be perfectly frank with you, I was a little disappointed in Edithvale, and Aspendale and, to some extent, Mordialloc. But once I got past Parkdale and into the Golden Mile, oh, I was blown away.
Kim Day Craig : Oh, yeah.
John Monk : I mean, with IKEA on one side, and Ray's Tent City ad Barbecues Galore on the other, it doesn't get much better than that.
Kim Day Craig : No, it's fantastic.
Kath Day Knight : It doesn't, indeed.
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Kath Day Knight : What? I didn't do anything, it's my aphrodisiac.
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Kath Day Knight : Gee, he's an Australian icon isn't he?
Kim Day Craig : Yep.
Kath Day Knight : And she's an Icon.
Kim Day Craig : Mm-hm.
Kath Day Knight : He's an icon.
Kim Day Craig : He's not an icon. He's just a con.
Kath Day Knight : Huh?
Kim Day Craig : Oh, The Wiggles. They're icons.
Kath Day Knight : Yeah. Oh, Kim, did I tell you? When they sang "Hot Potato" at Carols, I went off, literally.
Kim Day Craig : Eww! I'm more a Hooley Dooley girl, myself. Sharon likes The Wiggles.
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Kath Day Knight : Kim, did I tell you Sharon and Marriat are back on together?
Kim Day Craig : Well, how does that work?
Kath Day Knight : Oh, you know. Relationships, Kim. I mean, you just don't know what goes on behind closed doors, do you? She's obviously pushing his buttons, and he's pushing hers right back. I think it's beautiful and it works for them, doesn't it?
Kim Day Craig : [Kim's mobile phone beeps] Oh, I've just got another naughty text from Brett. Listen to this. "Meet me down the back in PlayStations in five minutes". I mean, how does he expect me to get to Fountain Gate in five minutes.
Kath Day Knight : Oh, gee, he's keen, Kim.
Kim Day Craig : He is.
Kath Day Knight : You go, girl.
Kim Day Craig : Yeah, in a minute.
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[last lines]
Kim Day Craig : Jeez, Mum, you look huge in that shirt. You look like Jordan.
Kath Day Knight : Oh, I wish. No, they're my chicken fillet falsies, Kim. I just rinsed off the Chicken Tonight and popped them back in.
Kim Day Craig : One looks bigger than the other.
Kath Day Knight : Oh, yeah. That's because John Monk ate the left one. But it's okay. I'm naturally much bigger on that side anyway. So I think it balances out. Isn't it amazing, Kim, that my franchisee dream finally came true? Can you believe John Monk sold us his business?
Kim Day Craig : How did you pay for that?
Kath Day Knight : In kind.
Kim Day Craig : Oh, that sounds nice.
Kath Day Knight : Yeah, it was nice.
Kim Day Craig : Mmm. You know, Mum, evidently, "The Da Vinci Code" has been proven to be completely untrue.
Kath Day Knight : Yes, Kim, I know that. I'm not stupid. But the second one, you know, "Da Vinci Code Two: G'Day Leonardo", they show that that is absolutely 'istorically correct. And what a boon for us that it's set right here in ye olde Melbourne. I can't believe it!
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Kim Day Craig : I gotta go and get your present.
Kath Day Knight : Where? Where are you going?
Kim Day Craig : I'll be in the $2 shop.
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Kath Day Knight : How's it going, Sharon? Have you met anybody yet?
Sharon Strzelecki : Oh, no, not really, Mrs. D. Just a couple of lukewarm nibbles.
Kath Day Knight : Oh well, whatever you do, love, don't put your photo up.
Sharon Strzelecki : I already have. Why? Do you think it would put people off?
Kath Day Knight : Oh, no Sharon. You've got a very pretty face. It wasn't full-length, though, was it?
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Kim Day Craig : Oh, Mum! What a great costume!
Sharon Strzelecki : Oh wow, Mrs D. You look hilarious. You're gonna win for sure. Where'd you get that?
Kath Day Knight : [Wearing an over-the-top 80's style pink outfit] Oh, from my wardrobe, Sharon. Costume?
Kim Day Craig : Yeah, it's an 80's party.
Kath Day Knight : Oh, no! Nobody told me. I would have put something funny on!
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Michael Bublé : Thanks for your help back there, Kath. You're obviously an old pro from way back.
Kath Day Knight : Oh, right back at you, mister.
Michael Bublé : Kath, remember. Save the last dance for me.
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John Monk : Oh, this chicken is rubbery.
Kath Day Knight : [In mock Japanese accent] Thank you, John-san. Thank you vely mush.
John Monk : No, I mean it. It really is rubbery!
Kath Day Knight : Oh no! They're not chicken breasts. They're mine! They're my chicken fillet falsies!
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Kim Day Craig : [Kath is walking around Fountain Lakes Shopping Centre with a Christmas tree] Mum, why'd you have to get the tree first?
Kath Day Knight : Because, Kim, if I'd left it any later I would've only got a bendy one. Oh! Look! Let's go in there. I wanna get my table decor.
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Kath Day Knight : Oh, hello. Do you sell Chrissie-themed serviettes?
Trude : No. We sell napkins, but you'll need to go to manchester.
Kath Day Knight : Manchester? Really?
Trude : Down the back. Napery.
Kim Day Craig : Same to you!
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Trude : Now, Prue, I hate to talk work, but this morning we've got that awful guy from Blanco.
Prue : Oh, no! He's so Miele-mouthed. He always talks Bosch.
Trude : I know. He makes me want to Gaggenau.
Prue : [laughs] Oh, Trude. Me too.
[sees Kath and Kim and gasps]
Prue : Oh, no. I see faux fur's back.
Trude : Ohh! What is she doing down there?
Prue : I know. And with her tree. Don't you think she could get it delivered?
Trude : I don't think they deliver where she lives.
Prue : Oh, Trude, you're dreadful. You're dreadful.
[they both laugh]
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Kim Day Craig : Oh, look, Mum. Another present I got for Epponnee. It's the bath book version of "The Da Vinci Code".
Kath Day Knight : [laughs] Ohh!
Kim Day Craig : Look. It squeaks when you press the albino.
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Kath Day Knight : [eating a banana] Gee, one day, I'd like to be a franchisee, Kim.
Kim Day Craig : Yeah, well, you look more like a chimpanzee today.
Kath Day Knight : What? Don't be stupid, Kim. I do not.
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Kim Day Craig : It's my Tan-In-A-Can spray. It's nice, isn't it?
Kath Day Knight , Sharon Strzelecki : Yes, it's nice, it's different, it's unsual.
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Kath Day Knight : Oh Sharon, is everything alright?
Sharon Strzelecki : No, not really.
Kim Day Craig : Where's Marriat?
Sharon Strzelecki : Marriat is nowhere. He's nowhere and nothing. Turns out that I fell in love with a piece of spam. After he didn't turn up at the airport, I went to an Internet cafe. And I discovered that Marriat - my beautiful, gentle, smart, funny Marriat - is nothing more than a blog. An Internet address. marryat.com. A site that's been offering to marry women all around the world... But, you know, the weird thing is, Mrs D, I still love him!
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Kath Day Knight : And did I show you this, Kim? I got it in Milan. Can you believe it? They've got an Oz Knits outlet in Milan! And these are all the rave in Europe. And I got... for Epponnee, for little Epps... Look what I got for you, darling. Isn't this cute?
[hands Kim a baby t-shirt]
Kath Day Knight : "My grandma went on the Da Vinci Code Tour and all got was this lousy t-shirt".
Kim Day Craig : I really like that. I could fit into that. I might wear that.
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Kel Knight : The albino's the chap who runs the whole Da Vinci Code Tour. A fellow by the name of John Monk.
Kath Day Knight : Yeah, he was nice. But he was funny, wasn't he? Not funny ha-ha, funny weird.
Kel Knight : Mmm... Oh, he's raking it in though.
Kath Day Knight : Yeah.
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Kath Day Knight : Yeah, it was sorta like "The Amazing Race", Kim. You know that TV show?
Kim Day Craig : Sounds boring.
Kel Knight : Oh, no, wasn't boring. They even had an orgy in a crypt one night after tea, didn't they Kath?
Kath Day Knight : Ohh! It was so real, Kim. It was amazing how it was done. I've got a photo of it here.
Kim Day Craig : Eww! If it was so awesome, how come you're home early?
Kel Knight : Oh, as it happens, at our last stop, we were supposed to be staying with this direct descendant of Jesus'.
Kath Day Knight : Yeah. He runs a B&B with his wife Kerry. Kim, he was such a phony.
Kel Knight : Oh, you could clearly see he had a stick-on beard.
Kath Day Knight : Yeah. So we just... we just left. You know, we'd seen enough.
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Kath Day Knight : [smelling a tub of yoghurt] No, it's fine, Kel. It's fine. It's not off. Yoghurt smells like that.
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Kath Day Knight : [to Kel] You look just like Todd McKenney.
