Knocked Up (2007)
Paul Rudd: Pete
Photos
Quotes
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Pete : Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.
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Jonah : We got pinkeye.
Ben Stone : Were you giving butterfly kisses or something?
Jason : Ha ha ha, very funny That's not how you get pinkeye. You get it from poo particles making their way into your ocular cavities.
Jay : Um, I farted on Jason's pillow as a practical joke. He farted on Jonah's, thinking it was mine, and then eventually pinkeyed my pillow. I'm not proud any of this, but I think we're all forgiven each other. Um, but we can't go anywhere.
Pete : You can get pinkeye from farting in a pillow?
Jonah : Totally!
Pete : That's awesome!
Jonah : Jesus, Martin got it bad. What, did someone take a dump on your eye?
Martin : No. No pinkeye for me. I'm just really... high.
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Pete : Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you? The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. And I can't even accept that? I don't think I can accept pure love.
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Pete : You look like a cholo dressed up for Easter.
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Pete : [quoting Back to the Future] Where we're going we don't need roads.
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Debbie : Well, what'd you do last Wednesday night when you said you went to see a band?
Pete : I went to the movies.
Debbie : With who?
Pete : By myself.
Debbie : What'd you see?
Pete : Spider-Man 3.
Debbie : Why do you want to go by yourself? Why didn't you ask me to go?
Pete : Because I needed to get away, you know. With work and you and the kids, sometimes I just need some time to myself.
Debbie : I need time for myself. I want time for myself, too.
[Debbie holds back tears]
Debbie : You're not the only one.
Pete : It's not that big of a deal.
Debbie : I like Spider-Man.
Pete : Okay, so let's see Spider-Man 3 next week.
Debbie : I don't want to go see it now.
Pete : Well...
Debbie : I don't want to have to ask you to ask me. I want you to just come up with it on your own.
Pete : What? I don't even know what to say. Uh, what do you want me to do?
Debbie : You just think because you don't yell that you're not mean, but this is mean.
Pete : I'm not being mean. I'm being honest. You're telling me I need to be honest. Just...
Debbie : No, you're not. You're lying.
Pete : I'm doing it because I need to keep my sanity a little bit.
Debbie : You know what? I don't want you at the house anymore. Okay?
Pete : Come on.
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Pete : You look like Babe Ruth's gay brother... Gabe Ruth.
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[Ben and Pete are tripping on mushrooms in their hotel room. Ben watches "Cheaper by the Dozen" while Pete arranges chairs]
Ben Stone : This isn't funny. Guy has 12 kids? That's not funny, that's... this is sick. This is a sick movie. That's a lotta responsibility to be joking about, that's not funny. I gotta turn this off, it's freakin' me out.
Pete : There are five different types of chairs in this hotel room.
Ben Stone : Holy fuck, what are they all doing in here?
Pete : These are five different types of chairs.
Ben Stone : Get 'em outta here, man. This is too many chairs for one room.
Pete : There's a guy that works for this hotel, his whole job is to find chairs. Look at this one. Look at it, it's gold and red and it's kinda shiny? Shiny thread? Unbelievable. It is beautif - and it feels amazing.
Ben Stone : The tall one's gawking at me, and the short one's being very droll. I don't like them.
Pete : [sits down on the chair] Oh, wow!
Ben Stone : It's weird that chairs even exist when you're not sitting on them.
Pete : [sitting with his feet in the air] I'm up high. I'm really high up.
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Pete : [taking his hand out of his mouth after doing magic mushrooms] Tastes like a rainbow.
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Ben Stone : Think they'll take us back?
Pete : Yes. But I don't know why. Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you?
Ben Stone : All the time, man. Like, every day. I wonder how you like me.
Pete : How can Debbie like me? She likes me. I mean, she loves me. The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. She loves me so much that she wants me around all the time. That's our biggest problem, and I can't even accept that?
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[Alison says that she isn't going to tell her employers that she is pregnant]
Ben Stone : It is a good plan, until her water breaks all over Robert De Niro's shoes.
[doing a bad Robert De Niro impression]
Ben Stone : "My shoes! Hey, there's all this baby goo on it."
Pete : [doing a much better Robert De Niro impression] These shoes? Hey... on these shoes? Did you puke on my shoes? Did you puke on my shoes?
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[while tripping on mushrooms]
Ben Stone : [sadly] I shoulda read the baby books.
Pete : Why didn't you read the baby books?
Ben Stone : 'Cause then it's real, you know?
Pete : Dude, it's real whether or not you read those books, that baby's comin'.
[he moves to another chair]
Pete : Oh, man.
Ben Stone : Think they'll take us back?
Pete : Yes. But I don't know why. Do you ever wonder how somebody could even like you?
Ben Stone : All the time, man, like every day. I wonder how YOU like me.
Pete : How can Debbie like me? She likes me. I m - she LOVES me. The biggest problem in our marriage is that she wants me around. She loves me so much that she wants me around all the time. That's our biggest problem, and I can't even accept that - like, that upsets me?
Ben Stone : What?
Pete : She's the one. She loves me.
Ben Stone : You can't believe people love you? We love you, man! Debbie loves you!
Pete : I don't think I can accept her love. There's something wrong with me.
Ben Stone : You can't accept love?
Pete : [choking up] I don't know what it is.
Ben Stone : Love, the most beautiful, shiny, warming thing in the world? You can't accept it?
Pete : I have to go to this other chair.
[he moves]
Pete : Oh, this is a better energy.
Ben Stone : You can't accept pure love? You can't accept Debbie? She's chosen to give you her life. She's picked you as her life partner! But you play fantasy baseball because you can't accept her love?
[he belches and groans]
Ben Stone : I could accept it, man!
[Pete grimaces and sticks his hand in his mouth]
Ben Stone : And Debbie's amazing, man. She's cool, and she's funny, and she smells good, and she's nice, and her hair always looks different... she's too good for you, man.
[Pete takes his hand out of his mouth and stares at it in amazement]
Pete : Tastes like a rainbow.
Ben Stone : You're disgusting, you're an urchin. And she busts your balls 'cause you're a little bitch! You're a filthy bitch, and I'd bust your balls!
[Pete puts his hand back in his mouth and groans]
Ben Stone : [miserably] Debbie wants to give her life to you, and Alison doesn't want to do that with me, and it makes me sad all day. I wanna go home.
Pete : [muffled by his fingers] I wanna go home too.
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Pete : Isn't it weird, though, when you have a kid and all your dreams and hopes just go right out the window?
