South Park (TV Series)
The Passion of the Jew (2004)
Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Jesus in the Passion of the Christ, Phillip, Cinema Patron #3, Man at Meeting #1, Man at Meeting #2, Mel Gibson, Rabbi, Jew #1, Jew #3, Jew #5
Quotes
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Cartman : [on the phone] See you don't understand what Mel Gibson was trying to do. He was trying to express, through cinema, the horror and filthiness of the common Jew. It has made people the world over open their eyes.
Stan : [Doesn't recognize Cartman] Look, Kid, we just thought it was a bad movie. Tell us how we can get in touch with Mel Gibson so we can get our money back.
Cartman : If I knew where Mel Gibson was, I'd be down on the floor licking his balls at this very moment. All I know is that he lives somewhere in Malibu. Now stop wasting me and Mel Gibson's time, you little wussy prick.
Stan : Hey, don't take that tone with me, kid. I'll kick your ass.
Cartman : Oh yeah? I'd like to see you try, asshole. I'm like six feet tall.
Stan : I don't care. You sound like a little bitch to me!
Cartman : Bitch, don't call me 'bitch' or I'll pop your fucking head open.
Stan : Yeah, you wanna bring it, you little pussy?
Cartman : I already brought it, bitch. I brought it, set it down on the table, and opened it, bitch!
Stan : Wait a minute... Cartman?
Cartman : Um...
[Hangs up]
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Mel Gibson : [while chasing Stan and Kenny] Jesus is lord!
Stan : [to Kenny] Let's get the hell out of here!
Mel Gibson : [Stan opens a door and sees Mel Gibson dressed in a Carmen Miranda outfit] Boom chicky boom chicky boom hee hee!, Boom chicky boom chicky boom hee hee!
[Stan opens another door to find Mel Gibson in a clown outfit]
Mel Gibson : When you're a clown nobody takes you seriously!
Stan : [Running out the door screaming] Come on dude run!
Mel Gibson : [Runs out the door carrying a sword while wearing his William Wallace war paint] K'plagh! K'plagh!
[singing]
Mel Gibson : And good evening friends!
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Stan : [about Mel Gibson's "Passion of the Christ"] That wasn't a movie - that was a snuff film! We want our 18 dollars back!
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[after seeing The Passion of the Christ]
Stan : Hey, we want our money back.
Ticket Seller : Huh?
Stan : That movie sucked ass. Give us back our $18.
Ticket Seller : I can't refund your money. You sat through the whole movie.
Stan : That wasn't a movie. That was a snuff film.
Kenny : [muffled] Yeah.
Stan : You can't charge people to watch a guy get tortured for two hours.
Ticket Seller : That guy happens to be Jesus and he went through all that to pay for your sins.
Stan : We go to church to learn that stuff. We go to movies to be entertained. We weren't entertained and we want our money back!
Ticket Seller : I'm not allowed to give your money back after you've sat through the whole movie. You'd have to take your complaint up with the film's producers.
Stan : What, Mel Gibson? You're saying we have to get our money back from Mel Gibson?
Ticket Seller : Yeah, I'd like to see you try.
Stan : Oh, we will. This is America, and in America, if something sucks, you're supposed to be able to get your money back!
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Mel Gibson : Give me back my money!
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Mel Gibson : I have to use that money to build my own church. I've brought the fire and brimstone back to Christianity with The Passion, and now I'm going to start my own church. And do you know why? So I can play banjo! Jesus, oh how I love Ya, how I love Ya, Jesuuus!
Stan : Dude, this guy is freaking daffy!
Mel Gibson : How dare you call me crazy! This means war!
[pulls out a gun and starts making Indian war noises]
