Slither (2006)
Nathan Fillion: Bill Pardy
Photos
Quotes
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Bill Pardy : [sighs to himself] My easy-going nature is gettin' sorely fuckin' tested.
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Kylie Strutemyer : What are we gonna do now?
Bill Pardy : Probably turn into a couple of these fucked-up things.
Kylie Strutemyer : That's kinda negative.
Bill Pardy : Well, it's been that sorta day.
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Jack MacReady : [Jack & Bill are discussing what caused Grant's transformation] It's obvious the bastard's got Lyme disease!
Bill Pardy : What?
Jack MacReady : Lyme disease. You touch some deer feces, and then you... eat a sandwich without washin' your hands. You got your Lyme disease!
Bill Pardy : And that makes you look like a squid?
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Jack MacReady : Where is the Mr. Pibb? I told your secretary to pack Mr. Pibb. It's the only Coke I like. Goddamn Brenda exploding like a water balloon, worms driving my friends around like they're goddamn skin-cars, people are spitting acid at me, turning you into cottage cheese, and now there's no fucking goddamn Mr. Pibb?
Bill Pardy : [sarcastic] *Jesus Christ*, Jack, let me get right on it!
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Bill Pardy : [after seeing a zombie become a part of Grant] Well, now that is some fucked up shit.
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Bill Pardy : Two nights ago, a mare was stolen from this property owned by Fitzgibbon, that rancher with the cleft palate.
Wally : [mutters to Margaret] I know that guy, he looks like a chipmunk.
Bill Pardy : Your momma wasn't too proud when you came out neither, Wally.
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Jack MacReady : [panicked] We need to find this Grant, and I mean yesterday. Town council's lit a Roman Candle, stuck it up my ass.
Bill Pardy : Jack, your leisure activities ain't my business.
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Wally : [referring to his crush on Starla] I'm surprised you're able to lift a mug, you've been carrying that torch for so long.
Bill Pardy : Oh, that reminds me. There's something I wanted to tell you.
Wally : What's that?
Bill Pardy : Fuck you, fatass.
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Bill Pardy : Thank you for saving my ass back there.
Kylie Strutemyer : You're welcome.
Bill Pardy : Of course, when I tell that story, it's gonna be the other way around.
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Bill Pardy : [In pain] What was that? That really hurt.
Kylie Strutemyer : [Pulls the tubule out of his stomach] You need both of them things in you to get all womby.
Bill Pardy : Oh, that's... awesome!
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Jack MacReady : [referring to Grant] He's a goddamn Martian?
Bill Pardy : Martians is from Mars, Jack.
Jack MacReady : [through gritted teeth] Or it's a general term meaning 'outer-space fucker'.
Bill Pardy : No it isn't!
Jack MacReady : Look it up, cocksucker!
Starla Grant : Enough!
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Grant Grant : I've been around a million years! You think you can fuck with me?
Bill Pardy : Yep.
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Bill Pardy : [holds up a toy squid from his desk] What's this?
Trevor : I thought we could use that like a police sketch, Chief. You know, take it door to door, see if anybody recognizes it.
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Bill Pardy : [to fellow cops] Alright folks, let's go.
[Mocking Jack]
Bill Pardy : Don't forget your guns; We don't want any lyme disease popping out at us.
Jack MacReady : [Sarcastic] Oh, ho ho ho. Ha ha, fuckin' ha!
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Bill Pardy : Hey Kylie, why don't you tell Ms. Grant that story 'bout how I saved you from that deer?
Kylie Strutemyer : Oh yeah. Bill saved me from a deer.
Starla Grant : Oh yeah?
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Starla Grant : [to a deformed Grant] I'm gonna stay by you... just like I swore I would. For better or worse.
Bill Pardy : [Under his breath] What's fucking worse?
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Bill Pardy : Grant looks like a squid, don't know where he's gonna hide... Seaworld maybe.
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Trevor : [Bill, Margaret and Trevor spot Grant and Starla getting into a car] That's one match I'll never get.
Margaret : [zipping Gina Kid's jacket up] Ain't no mystery. Starla was raised in them shanties off St. Luke, dirt poor. All she ever wanted was to be a lady. Ol' Grant Grant, he's always been made of green.
Trevor : Gold digger, huh?
Bill Pardy : Oh, hell, Margaret! Starla's mother left her, her daddy's a drunk, she was 17 years old. Ol' Grant pulls up in a big ol' Cadillac, house on the hill, and college tuition? What would you do?
Margaret : [Lifting a handkerchief to Gina Kid's nose] Blow.
Bill Pardy : Hell, if he had a 'gina, you'd'a married him, too.
Gina Kid : What's a 'gina'?
Bill Pardy : [after an awkward pause] It's a country. You know, where 'Ginese' people come from. Learn to eavesdrop better.
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Bill Pardy : [to Kylie] What's with the spitting?
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Starla Grant : [Starla & Bill look around at the dead bodies covering Starla's front lawn] Bet you regret not running off to Hollywood with me now, eh, Bill?
Bill Pardy : Ah hell, Starla. I always regretted that.
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Bill Pardy : [Bill, Starla, Jack, and Kylie remain silent in the car after narrowly escaping a pack of zombies] So... how's everybody's evening? Good?
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Starla Grant : [as Bill goes out where the worms are] Be careful.
Bill Pardy : Yeah, there's a thought.
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Bill Pardy : Shelby, you gonna create a hysteria?
Shelby : [doesn't look up] Not today, Bill.
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Bill Pardy : [Looking at the disemboweled dog] I reckon Grant ain't got one of them puppy calendars on his desk. Just don't strike me as a real dog lover is all.
Trevor : Hey!
[holds up the decapitated head of a dog]
Trevor : Look. Knocked this one's head clear on over here.
Wally : Put that down, numbnuts!
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[Sheriff Bill Pardy arrives at the Strutemyer home to witness what has transpired]
Bill Pardy : Hey!
[the infected Strutemyers sans Kylie all stop the attack. Kylie, sobbing, escapes the battered truck and runs over to Bill]
Bill Pardy : What's going on? What the hell you doing?
[to Kylie, sobbing]
Bill Pardy : Hey, hey, easy, easy, easy.
[then to Otis]
Bill Pardy : What the hell happened to you, Otis?
Mr. Strutemyer : [looks at his arm] Poison Ivy out back, maybe.
Emily Strutemyer , Jenna Strutemyer : [together] We're itchy.
Kylie Strutemyer : [to Bill] No, they're not my parents. They're trying to trick you.
Bill Pardy : Shh! Shh. Hey...
Kylie Strutemyer : The worms are in their brains!
[the infected family walks towards Bill and Kylie]
Bill Pardy : All right, look. I- Y'all stay right there on the spot. I'm gonna call the paramedics to come help you and, uh, Kylie's gonna come with me.
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Bill Pardy : [from trailer] Don't let them in your mouth!