Destroy All Humans! (2005 Video Game)
J. Grant Albrecht: Cryptosporidium, G-Man 1, Urban Crazy, Urban Male
Quotes
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Silhouette : Fool... do you think America is the only civilization on this planet?
Cryptosporidium : Well, all the Americans seem to think so. At least, the ones I scanned.
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Cryptosporidium : [referring to the Majestic and the army] If any of those monkeys lay one hairy finger on me, I'll rip 'em a new asshole!
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[in reference to a cow]
Cryptosporidium : But they're covered with nipples!
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[Crypto is attempting to communicate with a cow]
Cryptosporidium : [to himself] They eat with their mouths? Ugh! I think I'm going to be violently ill!
[he then speaks to the cow]
Cryptosporidium : Attention, Earth creature. This planet is now part of the Furon Empire. Your benevolent masters welcome you.
Cow : Moooooooooooo.
Cryptosporidium : At this time, we wish to abduct you for the purpose of scientific research. The procedure will be protracted and invasive. Do you have any objections?
Cow : MOOOOOOOOOOO.
Cryptosporidium : Earth creature, I am addressing you! Respond or be vaporized!
[cow unloads its bowels]
Cryptosporidium : I don't care how many stomachs you have, I don't have time for this!
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Silhouette : Credit is where credit's due, you defeated my beautiful Robo-Prez and I bet right now you're fantasizing about "destroying all the humans". Typical. Sure, you handled the boys: Armquist, Huffman... Ooh, that was a challenge.
[laughs]
Silhouette : But everybody knows which sex dominates *this* planet, and there's plenty of time to get your asses handed to you. That is, if you're not afraid to fight a girl.
Cryptosporidium : No, no, I'm not hung up on the whole pudenda thing.
Silhouette : So come on, Crypto. Let's dance. I'll even let you lead. I'm at the Octagon; don't keep me waiting.
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Majestic Agent 1 : Subliminal TV messages. What will Majestic think of next?
Majestic Agent 2 : Search me.
Majestic Agent 1 : Do you have any idea what a rhetorical question is?
Majestic Agent 2 : Nope, not a clue.
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Majestic Agent 2 : Attention space freak. You have ten seconds to drop the weapons and hypnotise yourself into a coma. 10... 9... 8... 7654321 hot damn! Fire!
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Cryptosporidium : [to Orthopox] You're a smart cookie. But there's a time for thought and a time for action! And this is one of those times!
Orthopox : Which?
Cryptosporidium : The second one!
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Cryptosporidium : [to Orthopox] What's shakin', Pox? You look a little... what's the word... constipated.
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Cryptosporidium : Don't get mad, get sadistic.
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[Silhouette is revealed to be a female]
Cryptosporidium : You're a *chick*?
Silhouette : I'm a patriot. If you had to put up with politicians playing grab-ass all day long, you'd wear a mask, too.
Cryptosporidium : Me, I get my kicks the old-fashioned way: beatin' up bad monkeys.
Silhouette : Funny. That's what Crypto-136 said. Of course, he was "a real cut-up", too.
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Orthopox : This human "Whither" says the President will appear before his subjects today. This "President" must be more integral to their social society than I expected. I have noticed a significant increase of activity surrounding the White House.
Cryptosporidium : Right, just tell me where he is and what he looks like.
Orthopox : I... er... the mothership's tracking system is broken. I think he uses those convoys of long black vehicles for transit.
Cryptosporidium : You think?
Orthopox : I can't exactly pinpoint the President from orbit, Crypto. It's not as if he walks around with a big red arrow over his head. I need you follow those vehicles so we can identify him!
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Cryptosporidium : [disguised] Aren't you jumping the gun here Armquist? That fire could have been started by rowdy teenagers. I did as much or worse in my day.
Head of the Marines : He's right General. Kids these days lack discipline, but they're not Communists. I think you're making too big a deal out of this.
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Cryptosporidium : So, waving the white flag, huh? All the monkeys got together, scratched their heads, accepted the inevitable?
Silhouette : That sense of humor, just like your...
Cryptosporidium : Like my what?
Silhouette : Er, file. Your dossier, Crypto; Said you were quite the joker.
Cryptosporidium : I think I never told you my name.
Silhouette : No, I suppose I have your brother to thank for that.
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Majestic Agent 2 : Did you see what I saw?
Majestic Agent 1 : You bet your sweet ass I did. What did you see?
Majestic Agent 2 : Little green man in a flying saucer wiping out the best infantry unit in the U.S. Army.
Majestic Agent 1 : Right. Good. Me, too. Green, not gray?
Majestic Agent 2 : Don't be a stiff. Do you know what it means?
Majestic Agent 1 : Absolutely. What?
Majestic Agent 2 : It means the papers got it right for once. Get on the horn to Silhouette. We've got the worst case scenario.
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Cryptosporidium : Man, I love the smell of presidential brains in the morning.
Orthopox : Just shut up and remember who set that presidential foetus of destruction upon you!
Cryptosporidium : Riiight...
Orthopox : You know who I mean.
Cryptosporidium : Oh, that Silhouette guy, right? Or chick?
Orthopox : Would you do me a favor and NOT creep me out?
Cryptosporidium : Sure.
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Cryptosporidium : A Cryptosporidium captured by a bunch of monkeys! We gotta go in, we gotta crack some craniums. I've gotta rescue me - him - he's gotta rescue me - I mean we gotta - I gotta - brains, man - WHEN DO I GET TO BLOW THINGS UP?
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Urban Crazy : The end is nigh! Really, really nigh!
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Silhouette : You're probably watching... gloating.
Cryptosporidium : Pretty much.
Orthopox : It seems only fair.
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Suburban Crazy : Pardon my impertinence but uh, are you an alien?
Cryptosporidium : How'd ya guess?
Suburban Crazy : Oh my prayers have been answered! On behalf of all the nations of the Earth let me welcome you, brother from another planet!
Cryptosporidium : Thanks, it means a lot to me.
Orthopox : Enough chit chat! Where is Bert Whither,crackpot human?
Suburban Crazy : You want Bert Whither? I'll take you to him.
Cryptosporidium : Perfect.
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Farmer's Wife : [seeing Crypto] Aaagh! Little green space men!
Cryptosporidium : I am not green.
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Worker 1 : L-L-Little green men!
Cryptosporidium : Not again! Colorblind morons.
[he aims his disintegrator ray gun at the worker]
Cryptosporidium : Die, pea-brain!
[but the gun doesn't work]
Cryptosporidium : Hey, where's the... What did you do with my clip, monkey boy?
Worker 1 : Phew!
Cryptosporidium : So much for wholesale carnage. I guess I'll just have to settle for ripping your limbs off one by one with my bare hands, until I find it. With my bare hands!
Worker 1 : AAAAAAAAAAGH!
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General Armquist : So you didn't want to destroy us?
Cryptosporidium : No, we were as scared as you. Deep in our hearts I think we wanted to be just like you.
General Armquist : I guess... at the end of the day we really are just... human beings.
Cryptosporidium : Psyche!
[he shoots Armquist]
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Orthopox : Now that their President is dead, the human senators are voting for a new President and the vote is agonisingly close!
Cryptosporidium : Doesn't the Vice President automatically become President?
Orthopox : Just shut up and kill those senators before they get to the Capitol!
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Orthopox : Oh no, they're at the main gate again!
Cryptosporidium : What's the good news?
Orthopox : Er... this time they're more heavily armed?
Cryptosporidium : Oh goody...
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Orthopox : [to Crypto] Shall I tell you a secret? Few of our people know this, but the DNA patterns in our cloning banks are becomming more and more degraded with each new clone.
Cryptosporidium : That's bad, right?
Orthopox : Only if we want to attain our immortality through cloning. OF COURSE IT'S BAD!
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Orthopox : Now, Crypto, to ensure this invasion runs smoothly it is imperative we identify the dominant life forms on this world. Those lactating bovoids are likely candidates.
Cryptosporidium : Surely you don't mean those foul-smelling gasbags beyond the fence?
Orthopox : Yes, I'm afraid I do.
Cryptosporidium : But they're covered in nipples!
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Cryptosporidium : Snack time!
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Cryptosporidium : It's probin' time!
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Cryptosporidium : Silhouette, I presume. You don't look like a general.
Silhouette : You don't look like a little green man.
Cryptosporidium : *Thank* you.
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Orthopox : Alright Crypto. I've analyzed the data that you've collected, and I've found the perfect candidate for you to...
Cryptosporidium : Probe and vaporize?
Orthopox : No, abduct and bring back to the mothership.
Cryptosporidium : My way's more fun.
Orthopox : Abduct. Not vaporize.
Cryptosporidium : Okay, but humanity ain't gonna annihilate itself, all I'm saying.
Orthopox : Can I finish?
Cryptosporidium : Can I stop you?
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Orthopox : I've sent Crypto-136 in search of a planet we visited many eons ago. A planet seeded with Furon DNA. But I lost contact.
Cryptosporidium : Let me get this straight: you sent me... er, him... Crypto-136 to a "hostile planet", and he's disappeared. Maybe captured. Maybe even being tortured as we speak.
Orthopox : Well, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions.
Cryptosporidium : I bet you wouldn't.
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[Crypto has defeated Silhouette]
Silhouette : [weakly] You BEAT me... I can't... believe... you actually... BEAT me!
Cryptosporidium : They never do. You know, you don't look so hot.
Silhouette : Majestic will... never give up... the struggle... to RESIST... YOU... ALIEN... FREAKS!
Cryptosporidium : Struggle's over, babe. Furons: one; humans: zipperooni.
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Cryptosporidium : [discovering that the crashed UFO is gone] The monkeys must've hitched the ship up to their donkeys and dragged it back to their mud village so they could worship it as a god.
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Cryptosporidium : Attention, humans: I am Cryptosporidium of the planet Furon. This planet is now a territory of the Furon Empire...
[steps on Silhouette's face]
Cryptosporidium : Resist THIS.
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Majestic Agent 2 : Polly wanna goddamn cracker?
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Orthopox : [Crypto has bent all of the television antennae] Cross your pods. Here we go. Beginning transmission...
[the antennae start to shake]
Orthopox : Furon signal downlink successful! Oh, this is smashing! All right, I'm increasing the power...
[the antennae now shake very fast and more violently]
Orthopox : Wait! Crypto! The signal is too strong! Humans are weak! Their minds can't take that kind of amplitude! Quickly, Crypto, you've got to bend the antennae before they...
[suddenly, the humans' heads all explode]
Orthopox : Oh, that has to hurt. Eww. Disgusting!
[the humans' heads continue to explode]
Orthopox : Crypto? Crypto! Where did you go?
Cryptosporidium : [running down a street as the screen goes black] Snack time!
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Majestic Agent 2 : The truth is right here, biotch