The Longest Yard (2005)
Adam Sandler: Paul Crewe
Photos
Quotes
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Switowski : He broke-ded my nose
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Let me try to fix that.
[Crewe fixes his nose]
Switowski : How do I look?
Caretaker : Much better, like a young Michael Jackson.
Switowski : I love little Michael.
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Switowski : Will you teach me to football?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Sure, I'll teach you to football.
Caretaker : I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.
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Brucie : How come I cant be kicker? I was all state!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : All right let's see what you got.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : [kicks ball along the ground] ... that's why you dumbass.
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Joey Battle : Wow no bullshit! Real football, against the guards?
Coach Nate Scarborough : Full contact.
Joey Battle : Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker : Yep.
Joey Battle : So I get to tackle him?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Yeah, you can either tackle him or you can hit him over the head with that *hammer*.
Joey Battle : [looks down at his crotch] I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker : Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Alright we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I *did* throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw *this* game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I aint doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. Ok, thank you. Who are we?
[Team shouts, "Mean Machine!", and takes the field]
Turley : I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you.
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[after inmates score touchdown on trick play]
Guard Lambert : Is that legal?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Yes, it is.
Guard Lambert : Is that a touchdown?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Yes, it is.
Guard Lambert : Oh, goddamn it!
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : [on TV after he crashes his girlfriend's car] Hey, Lena, I think we should start seeing other people!
Walt : [watching on TV with Lena] I think I'm in love.
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : You play football?
Caretaker : Me? No. I sucked so bad, they used to pick *after* the white kids. Used to be mad to be like, "Man, I can't believe I picked a nigga that can't play!"
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : [drinking a toast with Caretaker] Here's to the first friend I've had in I-don't-know-how-long
Switowski : I thought I was your friend, Paul.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : You are my friend, Switowski. Just finish your coloring book and go to sleep.
Switowski : OK.
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Joey Battle : Wow, no bullshit! Football, against the guards?
Coach Nate Scarborough : Yep, full contact.
Joey Battle : Captain Knauer is the quarterback?
Caretaker : Yep.
Joey Battle : So I get to tackle him?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Yeah, either that you can hit him over the head with that hammer.
Joey Battle : I wanna hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker : Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!
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Caretaker : Look in your toilet, I left you a surprise.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : You took a shit in my toilet?
Caretaker : No, that's what I left in Brucey's toilet.
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Captain Knauer : [after Crewe starts fight in lunch room] Stand up Crewe! You think you can do anything don't you... well you're no different than any other piece of shit that calls this place home...
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Really they all think you're a dumb redneck too?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : [Knauer takes a swing at Crewe with his night-stick amd Crewe catches it] You should really start cutting that shit out it's gettin old...
Captain Knauer : That's gonna cost ya...
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Looking forward to it...
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Why are there 2 glasses?
Caretaker : Shut up and pour me a drink, bitch!
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : [to the short cop] Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo, don't get short with me.
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : [to Caretaker] Hey, let's have a maniacal pillow fight tonight! That should boost your rating!
Skitchy Rivers : Yeah, and we can sell it to Pay-Per-View - Superstar vs. Half-a-Star.
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : [Crewe is being pulled over by the cops] Oh, man, here come the party poopers...
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : [On the last play of the first half] Do you assholes remember that play we practiced in the mud?
Deacon Moss : What are you talking about? That was some schoolyard bullshit!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Yeah, let's try some schoolyard bullshit!
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Switowski : [after Turley breaks his nose] I think he did it on purpose!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : No, he didn't do it on puropse...
[glances over at Turley]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Okay maybe he did.
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : I will be your coach, your captain, your quarterback...
Brucie : You haven't played in years! Why can't I be quarterback?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : You're right; let's see what you got.
[throws ball to Brucie]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Hit me; I'm open!
Brucie : [throws wild pass]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : That's why, now sit down and shut up.
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : [after being pulled over by cops] Hey, you can finish that one... I've got five more. Take care guys.
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Big Ears Cop : ...shit happens.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Shit does happen. I mean, look what happened to your ears.
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : I think Papajohn's their safety.
Turley : [smiles, nods] I'll play!
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : [to Turley] People have said that we look alike, so I just wanted to see for myself.
[Turley roars very loudly]
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : I'm gonna go take a piss.
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : [as he's calling a play] Battle, you're a psycho! Tony, you're a fat shit! Hut!
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Ms. Tucker : Paul... Paul I wanted to let you know that I am your biggest fan and that I'll will be cheering my jailhouse boobies off for you on gameday!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Ok I appreciate that.
Ms. Tucker : Paul I appreciate you.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Ok.
Brucie : All right are you done now?
Ms. Tucker : What are you just jealous because I don't cheer for you anymore?
Brucie : Yea I don't know what you're talking about.
Ms. Tucker : Whatever back freckle!
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Switowski : I'm sorry... I brokeded your toy.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Oh, no, it's a good thing! you should share a victory hug with Caretaker.
Caretaker : What?
[Switowski lifts Caretaker in bear-hug and spins around laughing]
Caretaker : [to Paul] Asshole!
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : [to Caretaker after seeing his half-star violence rating] You're as maniacal as a box of kittens.
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Switowski : I thought I was your friend, Paul.
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : You are my friend, Switowski, just, finish your coloring book and go to sleep.
Switowski : OK.
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : I'll tell you what bothers me the most warden. That you're not coming to be out there on that field with us, gettin' what you got coming to you.
Warden Hazen : Only thing coming to me is victory.
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Earl Megget : Y'all got a running back?
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Not any good ones.
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Unger : The blood of the guards is gonna flow like the rivers of ancient Babylon!
Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : That's good news.
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : Hey, Skitchy, let me ask you something. When you popped the warden, was it worth it? Was it worth spending the rest of your life in here?
Skitchy Rivers : Was it worth it? It was worth every goddamn second.
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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe : [gives football to Warden Hazen] Why don't you stick this in your trophy case?