South Park (TV Series)
Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (1997)
Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Officer Barbrady, Mr. Garrison, Cows, Jewish Child, News Reporter, Visitor, Lady
Photos
Quotes
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Cartman : How come everything today has involved things either coming in or going out of my ass?
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Kitty : Meow.
Cartman : No kitty, this is my pot pie!
Kitty : Meow.
Cartman : No, kitty! That's a bad kitty!
Kitty : Meow.
Cartman : No, kitty! This is my pot pie!
Kitty : Hiss.
Cartman : Mom, kitty's being a dildo!
Liane Cartman : Well then, I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
Cartman : What?
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[Wendy has just given Stan a note]
Kyle : What does the note say?
Stan : Holy Crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school!
Kyle : Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman : Or slip her the tongue!
Kenny McCormick : [muffled] Or you could slide your finger up her pussy!
Stan : What? How do you know she has a cat- oh.
[Kenny laughs]
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Cartman : Screw you guys, I'm going home.
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Kyle : [Kyle's brother Ike is being kidnapped by the aliens] We have to do something!
Stan : Well, we can't do anything for now... That fat bitch won't let us!
Mrs. Crabtree : [shouts] What did you say?
Stan : I-I said that rabbits eat lettuce!
Mrs. Crabtree : Oh... Well yes, they certainly do...
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Cartman : Okay, you guys, this joke has gone far enough! There were no aliens! They didn't give me an anal probe and they can't control my mind!
[suddenly an alien spaceship zaps him and he starts to sing]
Cartman : I love to singa / About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a / I love to singa / About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a / Anything with a swinga to an I love you-a / I love to, I love to sing.
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Cartman : I'm not fat, I'm big boned!
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Eric Cartman : I dreamed I was standing out in a field, and there was this huge satellite dish stickin' out of my butt. And there were hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship, and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
Stan : That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened.
Eric Cartman : Oh, right. Why don't I have pinkeye, then?
Kyle : Cartman, you do have pinkeye.
[last lines]
Eric Cartman : Oh, son of a b - - .
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[Wendy has just given Stan a note]
Kyle : What does the note say?
Stan : Holy Crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school!
Kyle : Whoa. Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman : Or slip her the tongue!
Kenny McCormick : [muffled] Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her!
Stan : What? How do you know she has a cat?
Kenny McCormick : [Kenny laughs; the others get it and join in]
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[first lines]
Cartman , Stan , Kyle , Kenny : [singing] School days, school days / dear old golden rule...
Kyle : Aww, dammit! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again!
Ike : E bonanner!
Kyle : Ike, you can't come to school with me!
Cartman : Yeah, go home you little dildo!
Kyle : Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!
Stan : What's a dildo?
Kyle : I don't know. And I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!
Cartman : I know what it means!
Kyle : Well, what?
Cartman : [pause] I'm not telling you!
Stan : What's a dildo, Kenny?
[Kenny mumbles through his snow suit, then Cartman and Stan laugh]
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Kyle : Dude, what does the note say?
Stan : [glances at it] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
[look of wonder on his face]
Kyle : Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman : Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny : [muffled] Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.
Stan : What? How do you know she has a cat?
[Kenny waits to see if the others got the message, then laughs; the rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant]
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Kyle Broflovski : Please Mr. Garrison, can I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison : I don't know Kyle, did you ask Mr. Hat?
Kyle Broflovski : I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!
Mr. Garrison : Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.
Kyle Broflovski : Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?
Mr. Garrison : [as Mr. Hat] Well Kyle, NO! YA HEAR ME? YOU GO 'TA HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!
[as himself]
Mr. Garrison : Well Kyle, I guess you'll have to take you're seat.
Kyle Broflovski : Dammit!
Eric Cartman : Ha ha, Mr. Hat yelled at you!
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Cartman : Somebody's baking brownies.
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Cartman : [after seeing a crop circle on TV that looks like him] Hey, that kind of looks like... Tom Selleck.
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Stan : Go ahead, Kyle; ask them for your baby brother back.
Kyle : Visitors... This morning you took my little brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away, but I've learned something today... That having a little brother is a pretty special thing.
Stan : Yeah.
Kyle : Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors... I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again...
Stan : That was beautiful, dude.
Kyle : Did it work?
Stan : No, they're leaving.
Kyle : Hey, you scrawny-ass ********! What the **** is wrong with you? You must be some kind of ******* ******* to be able to ignore a crying child!
Stan : Whoa, dude!
Kyle : You know what you ******* like? You like to **** and **** and **** and **** and **** and ****!
Stan : Hey, Wendy. What's a ****?
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[Investigating a cattle mutilation]
Officer Barbrady : This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
Farmer : People's been saying they've been seeing UFO's around.
Officer Barbrady : UFO's? Ha.
Farmer : Yeah, and black army, CIA helicopters and trucks.
Officer Barbrady : That is the silliest thing I've ever heard
[black helicopters fly overhead]
Farmer : What was that?
Officer Barbrady : That, that was a pigeon.
