Team America: World Police (2004)

Daran Norris: Spottswoode

Photos 

Quotes 

• Spottswoode : Team, if the Derkaderkastanis have weapons of mass destruction, I'm afraid it could be 911 times a thousand.

  Sarah : Jesus, you mean...?

  Spottswoode : Yes. Nine hundred and eleven thousand.

  Chris : Well forget all these assholes! We have work to do!

  Spottswoode : Yes! Let's get Gary valmorphanized so we can use his acting!

  Gary Johnston : My acting? My ACTING?

  Gary Johnston : [rises from the steps]  My acting just got a thousand people killed! Jesus, I've done it again!

  Spottswoode : Pull yourself together, Gary! We need you now more than ever!

  Gary Johnston : I'm through with this!

  Spottswoode : Gary, you can't go! Without you the team is doomed! Remember, there is no "I" in "Team America".

  Intelligence : [pause]  Yes, there is.

• Gary Johnston : We're dicks! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild are pussies. And Kim Jong-il is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes - assholes who just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way, but the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is that sometimes they fuck too much, or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves, because pussies are only an inch-and-a-half away from assholes. I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit.

  Spottswoode : Yes, Gary, yes.

  Gary Johnston : And it takes a pussy to show 'em that. But sometimes pussies get so full of shit that they become assholes themselves, because pussies are only an inch-and-a-half away from assholes. I don't know much in this crazy, crazy world, but I do know that if you don't let us fuck this asshole, we are going to have our dicks and our pussies all covered in shit.

• Gary Johnston : Jesus, this is a nice limo.

  Spottswoode : Yes, it is. Now suck my cock.

• Gary Johnston : OK, a limosine that can fly. Now I have seen everything.

  Spottswoode : Really? Have you seen a man eat his own head?

  Gary Johnston : No.

  Spottswoode : So then, you haven't seen everything.

• Spottswoode : Attention. Attention, everyone. All you in the audience should go to your homes now. Your countries need you, but the world will be safe, thanks to a brilliant actor named Gary Johnston.

  [Crowd applauses as Gary kisses Lisa] 

  Spottswoode : Let me explain to you the kind of man Gary is. He's a man who knows that when you put another man's cock in your mouth, you make a pact. A bond that cannot be broken. He's a man so dedicated that he will get down on his knees and put that cock right in his mouth.

• [Deleted Scene] 

  Spottswoode : Team, this is all my fault. I was overzealous in Cairo. I let racism cloud my judgment. I was so sure the ultimate terrorist was Middle Eastern, but I didn't realize he was a goddamn Gook. I'll never be a racist again.

• Gary Johnston : Wait! Hold on! Spottswoode, I think we just found the entrance to the theater! Have Sarah and Joe lock on to...

  Gary Johnston : [he's kicked in the face and falls away backwards]  Oof!

  Tim Robbins : [drops down from the ceiling]  GRRRRR!

  Chris : Gary!

  [Martin Sheen knocks him out with a wrench] 

  Tim Robbins : [shouts]  Actors Ho!

  Helen Hunt : Helen Hunt!

  Samuel L. Jackson : Samuel Jackson!

  Matt Damon : Matt Damon!

  [a bit slurred, like a speech impediment. Gary gets up, only to be kicked in the face by Samuel Jackson] 

  Samuel L. Jackson : Motherfucker!

  [Helen Hunt kicks Chris in the face] 

  Spottswoode : Gary, Chris, come in!

  [no response] 

• Gary Johnston : [Gary sees the limo]  Oh, I get it. I'm supposed to get inside your limo and let you put your finger inside me. And if I go down on you, I get a movie part.

  Spottswoode : Uh, no. I just want to show you something.

  Gary Johnston : Yeah I bet you do.

  Spottswoode : Please, Gary. I'm not from Hollywood, I'm not going to fuck your mouth, and my time is EXTREMELY valuable!

  [Gary gets in the limo] 

• Spottswoode : Now hold on team, Gary has already proven to me that he is 100% committed to the team. He proved it last night by sucking my cock.

  Joe : Uh... All right then. Let's move.

• Spottswoode : From what I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.N.C.E has gathered, it would be 9/11 times 100.

  Gary Johnston : 9/11 times a hundred? Jesus, that's...

  Spottswoode : Yes, 91,100.

  Joe : Basically, all the worst parts of the bible.

• Gary Johnston : You can't be serious.

  Spottswoode : Oh, I am serious. Look, this is my serious face.

• Spottswoode : Gary, if for some reason your cover is blown, and the terrorists take you prisoner, well, you'll probably want to take your own life. Here, you'd better have this.

  [hands Gary a hammer] 

• [Deleted Scene] 

  Gary Johnston : I'm leaving. I'm out.

  Spottswoode : No, Gary! You can't leave! We need you now, more than ever!

  Gary Johnston : Don't you see what's going on out there? Everyone hates us!

  Spottswoode : Hey, now, everyone hated Winnie the Pooh, too.

  Gary Johnston : No, they didn't!

  Spottswoode : Well, I did. That cocksucking bear killed Jack Kennedy!

• Spottswoode : Great job, team. Head back to base for debriefing and cocktails.

• Spottswoode : That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E., very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

• Spottswoode : Gary, meet Chris. He may lack in courtesy, but he's the best martial arts expert Detroit has to offer.

• Spottswoode : Team, I'm afraid I have bad news. At 7:15 this morning, the terrorists carried out their attack.

  Lisa : What?

  Sarah : But how can that be? Gary stopped the terrorists in Cairo.

  Spottswoode : It appears now that I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E was wrong about the Chechnyans being in charge. That was bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E. Very bad I.N.T.E.L.L.I.G.E.N.C.E.

  Intelligence : I'm sorry.

• [repeated line] 

  Spottswoode : Jesus Tittyfucking Christ!

• Spottswoode : Go get'em, cowboy.

• Gary Johnston : Jesus, this is a nice limo.

  Spottswoode : Yes, it is. Now suck my cock! Just kidding.

• Gary Johnston : But, I thought you weren't gay?

  Spottswoode : This isn't about sex, Gary, it's about trust!

• Spottswoode : [Deleted Scene]  It's going to be harder because you're gay now!