- [the pair are drinking tea made with pig's milk]
- Eddie: Have you noticed something really odd about the pig? In all the times you have milked it have you noticed it only has one nipple?
- Richie: Yeah I had noticed that weird isn't it?
- Eddie: Plus it never seems to produce a lot of milk, also have you spotted those two great bollocks it has?"
- [Richie has a shocked look on face before starting to vomit]
- Richie: Is Dave attacking that Seagull?
- Eddie: Either that or he's shagging it.
- Richie: No, the seagulls attacking him! Now with the left, now the right, that's it Dave that's how you fly away.
- Eddie: Come on Dave, take your coat off! Kick him where it hurts!
- Richie: Ouch! He's kicked himself in the bollocks hasn't he?
- Eddie: Look there go all the seagull's mates, flying off, laughing and with Dave's wallet.
- Eddie: Where's the bar?
- Richie: Eddie there's no bar!
- Eddie: What the fuck happened there? What the fuck happened there? What the fuck fuck fuck happened there? What the fuck fucking fuck fuckity fuck happened there?
- Richie: Language!
- Eddie: English! This is a very serious No Bar, situation. Mary Mother of Jesus Help! Help! Help!
- Richie: What other options do we have? Let's explore our parameters?
- Eddie: You leave my trousers out of this, I don't want any funny business. Shit there's no corners to hide in!
- Richie: Just a little bit Eddie. Just a little touchy touchy it doesn't matter. Just a little wibbly wobbly touchy touch... Oh Fucking Homo!
- Richie: Do you know I went to Yoga? I did! If I'd got up to level twenty I might have been able to fuck myself. As look would have it, I got to level thirteen, accidently sneezed and blew myself inside out. What I thought was a rather funky goatee beard turned out to be my pubic hair. I couldn't see it anyway though because I had two bollocks hanging in front of my eyes. I was in surgery three days, three whole days before the surgeons stopped giggling.
- Richie: Come on Eddie think of the money!
- Eddie: What? Are you getting paid?
- Richie: No, I don't get paid, it's not me it's that wretch of an actor who plays me. What's his name? You know that tosser who fell off the quad bike?
- Eddie: I knew I should have fixed those brakes.
- Richie: What did you say?
- Eddie: I know the one, he's sort of balding and getting a tummy.
- Richie: Yeah, he's getting far too old to play me.
- Richie: It's not our fault we have shit actors playing us, however it could be worse we could be in Vecks in Practice! I know I said "Vecks" I meant to say Vets.
- Eddie: I thought you did.
- Richie: It was one of my great improvisations.
- Eddie: I never watched Vecks in Practice much, but I believe it's shit anyway.
- Richie: It must be the Pig's Spunk, tacky teeth, now where were we?
- Eddie: What were you doing during the interval?
- Eddie: [Eddie's pager goes off] Interval's coming up.
- Richie: What?
- Eddie: Drinking time!
- [Aside]
- Eddie: Close the curtains. Ladies and gentlemen, this is not the interval, this is merely an award winning pause without actors.
- Richie: Eddie? Eddie! What is going on?
- Eddie: We've got to get to the bar before the audience gets there! Otherwise we'll never get served, last night I had to do the entire second half completely fucking sober!
- Richie: Oh my God!
- Eddie: Now draw the curtains and play the crap music!
- Richie: Nobody move!