2DTV (2001–2004)

Enn Reitel: Anthony McPartlin, Gordon Ramsay, Jack Straw, Jeremy Clarkson, John Prescott, Michael Howard, Michael Jackson, Prime Minister Tony Blair, Simon Cowell, Prince Harry, Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen, Pope John Paul II, Tom Cruise, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Charles Kennedy, David Blunkett, David Dimbleby, Des Lynam, Dick Cheney, Frank Skinner, Gareth Gates, Jack Osbourne, Johnny Vegas, Justin Hawkins, Osama Bin Laden, Peter Andre, Phil Spencer, Prince Edward, Prince Philip, Prince William, Robbie Williams, Tim Henman, Uri Geller, Various Voices, Wayne Rooney, Will Young

Quotes 

• [it is a last supper scene with members of the Labour Party] 

  Prime Minister Tony Blair : And I say after you, my loyal people, I have lead my life, you know a man peace.

  John Prescott : apart for all those wars.

  Prime Minister Tony Blair : Yeah, well obviousry. Although I am persecuted, I am confident history will show me as the saviour of mankind.

  David Blunkett : By the time Alistair Campbell's finished re-writing it.

  Prime Minister Tony Blair : Yeah alright, what I did was at the bidding of a higher authoray.

  [Cut to heaven, where we see George W. Bush as God] 

  President George W Bush : Hey look at me. I'm Santa Claus. HOO-HOO-HOO

• Prime Minister Tony Blair : But on this night, one of you will betray me for thirty peaces of silver.

  Gordon Brown : That's rubbish Tony. I got forty. Anyway shall we eat?

  Prime Minister Tony Blair : I have orderd five loaves of fishes, enough to feed the five thousand...

  [We hear a belch, and see John Prescott with a fish bone sticking out of his mouth] 

  John Prescott : Well it was a nice starter.

  [clutches stomach] 

  John Prescott : Feels like a second coming. Gang way!

• President George W Bush : General, call off the hunt for Bin Laden.

  General : I thought we already had.

  President George W Bush : I'm going to find him myself

  [ducks under his desk and reveales his Incredible outfit] 

  President George W Bush : with my incredible super hero powers, look i'm invisable where have I gone HEE! HEE!

  General : Sir, I think you need help.

  President George W Bush : You're right, meet Mr. Incredible

  Arnold Schwarzenegger : Uhh... This costume is so incredibly tight! You can see my rinckle.

  President George W Bush : No we can't!

  Prime Minister Tony Blair : Ahh ha... And I'm you know Elastar Blair, I'll bend over backwards for you George

  [bends backwards and breaks his back] 

  Prime Minister Tony Blair : Ahh... me back!

  Arnold Schwarzenegger : No I think it's... I'll be back!

  President George W Bush : So 1

  [points to himself] 

  President George W Bush : , 2

  [points to Arnie] 

  President George W Bush : and 3

  [points to Blair] 

  President George W Bush : , we just need a fourth.

  Arnold Schwarzenegger : Yeah the speedy one!

  Osama Bin Laden : [Digs into the White house]  BWAHA!

  [pauses] 

  Osama Bin Laden : Hang on, this isn't Hawaii

  [realises he's in the White house and screams and then runs] 

  President George W Bush : Hey he's fast lets use him!

• Simon Cowell : You want the truth, you have all the charisma of a three eye worm.

  Three eyed worm : Thankyou.

  Simon Cowell : Next!

  [R2-D2 Comes on stage] 

  Simon Cowell : Hold it that tune is going apsolutly no where

  R2-D2 : [subtitles]  But I haven't started yet!

  Simon Cowell : Next!

  Dalek : [singing]  Away up the stairs there's a place I can reach.

  Nicki Chapman : I found it nice and you looked nice and everything was just nice.

  Dalek : Thankyou Nicki!

  Doctor Who : I hated it, but then I am your swan enemy

  Simon Cowell : I have just 4 words to say to you. EX-TER-MIN-ATE!

  Alien : [Dalek starts crying]  Oh come on mate, I thought you were great I thought they were very harsh like.

  Alien : HA! HA! What a stupid great forehead you have!

  Pete Waterman : My money's on the young lad from the planet earth.

  Will Young : [singing]  You never walk Alone!

• Gollum : [Gollum wakes up after celebrating Lord of the rings had won the oscars]  Oh Sméagol head is hurting. Bad Sméagol drank to much at oscar's party. NO! What Sméagol get up to last night

  [screams as he discovers Michael Jackson is in his bed] 

  Michael Jackson : OW! You're bad!

  Gollum : Hidease creature in Sméagol beds. No Sméagol never drink vodka cherry again. NO!

• Announcer : Michael Jackson's parenting tips #43.

  Michael Jackson : It's important to encourage your children to take their first steps.

  Michael Jackson : [cuts to a scene with Jackson hanging over a balcony, reaching out for something]  Come to Daddy, Prince Michael the Second.

  Prince Michael the Second : Whoo, help

  Michael Jackson : I don't see any moonwalking

  [Baby starts to moonwalk towards Jackson] 

  Michael Jackson : That's my boy, and I've got the receipt to prove it! OW!

• Anthony McPartlin : Oh look out, here comes Jordan!

  Declan Donnelly : Hey, the rest of her should be with us in half an hour.

  Katie Jordan : Oye! That's not fair

  Anthony McPartlin : [In the year 2050 A.D]  Oh look out... Here comes Jordan!

  Declan Donnelly : I, the rest of her should be with us in half an hour.

  Katie Jordan : Yeah... That is fair actually.

• Announcer : The ITV news at 10 with Ant and Dec.

  Anthony McPartlin : ITV denies accusations of dumbing down.

  Anthony McPartlin : Bongo-roony!

  Anthony McPartlin : Ant receives surprise slap on head... eh?

  Declan Donnelly : [Dec slaps Ant on the head]  Slapa-rooney!

  Anthony McPartlin : And former news caster evicted by phone vote.

  Trevor McDonald : [Trevor McDonald is in an alleyway]  News just in, I'm hungary and homeless!

  Declan Donnelly : Tramper-rooney!

  Anthony McPartlin : And now the weather.

  Declan Donnelly : And now the weather.

  Siân Lloyd : Hello, and here's tomorrow's weather. Well, it's going to be nice and sunny... if you phone this number. Or if you like cloudy conditions with a stiff north-easterly breeze... ring this number. Or if you prefer relentless drizzly rain... move to Wales, goodnight.

• Tony Blair : [sounding like John Major]  More Sleaze, people will start thinking we're the same as the last Goverment!

  David Blunkett : [sounding like Michael Portillo]  That is a ridiculous, outrageous, apprehensive suggestion!

  John Prescott : [sounding like Ken Clarke]  That's absolutely ludicrous!

  David Blunkett's Guide Dog : [souding like Humphrey The Cat]  Meeoww!

  Jack Straw : [sounding like Douglas Hurd]  Were completely Different!

  Tony Blair : [sounding like John Major]  We need to get back to basic, I want to set up a Sleaze hotline!

  Gordon Brown : [sounding like Edwina Currie]  Oh No! What we need is a change of leadership!

  David Blunkett's Guide Dog : Hisss

  [Everybody looks shocked]