The Master of Disguise (2002)
Dana Carvey: Pistachio Disguisey
Photos
Quotes
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Pistachio Disguisey : Am I not turtley enough for the turtle club. Turtle, turtle, turtle!
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[From trailer]
Devlin Bowman : I think it's time for you to go.
Pistachio Disguisey : [Making talking gesture with hand] This is what you're doing...
[Closes hand]
Pistachio Disguisey : this is what I want you to do.
Devlin Bowman : Did you just tell me to shut up?
Pistachio Disguisey : Yes.
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Grandfather Disguisey : Who are you now?
Pistachio Disguisey : The question is not who I am, the question is who are you? I'm Prince LaIi Jhamba from the Ringy Dingy Heights near Bombay, Calcutta and New Delhi, India. India. India.
Grandfather Disguisey : It's time to test that.
Pistachio Disguisey : What is it?
[Grandfather Disguisey opens basket]
Pistachio Disguisey : That is a big reptile.Not a problem.
[Plays recorder]
Pistachio Disguisey : Oh, yes. He wouldn't hurt anybody now.I'm going to call him Buttercup! So cute, eh?
Grandfather Disguisey : Energico! God help me, I love it!
Pistachio Disguisey : [Dangling cheese above reptile] You like the cheese. Go get the cheese, Buttercup. You know you love it.
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[after reading a chapter about finding Mama and Papa in the pop-up book]
Pistachio Disguisey : That's one specific farmer.
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Pistachio Disguisey : [as President Bush] The folks around here call me "Dub-ya". Hoo ya!
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Pistachio Disguisey : It's so crazy, it just might work!
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Pistachio Disguisey : [as Gammy Num-Nums] And yet, Backstreet Boy, this is one girl who isn't content to be the Malcolm in *your* middle!
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Pistachio Disguisey : [Ending Credits] Once I found an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know!
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Grandfather Disguisey : When you were on the roof, did you hear something like this?
[Slaps Pistachio]
Pistachio Disguisey : Yes exactly that! But without the pain on my face. We have a clue!
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Pistachio Disguisey : Can I help you?
Grandfather Disguisey : I have come to help you, Pistachio.
Pistachio Disguisey : Help me what?
Grandfather Disguisey : Find your mother and your father. My son.
Pistachio Disguisey : My father... your son... Holy canoli! You are my sister!
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Trent : What kind of crap are you filling his head with?
Pistachio Disguisey : Uh, the nice-ness?
Trent : "The nice-ness?" You are trying to horn in in my action, aren't cha?
Pistachio Disguisey : [Imitates Trent] You are trying to horn in in my action, aren't cha?
Trent : What?
[Looks away and back]
Trent : Are you mocking me?
Pistachio Disguisey : [Imitates Trent] What?
[Looks away and back]
Pistachio Disguisey : Are you mocking me?
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Sophia : Look, Pistachios, the silly voices, the making faces, it was fun for like one second, okay?
Pistachio Disguisey : Only one second?
Sophia : I never wanted to go out with yous! I'm in love with Rex, okay?
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Pistachio Disguisey : But, Papa, don't preach. I'm in trouble deep, and I'm keeping my baby.
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[From the trailer]
Pistachio Disguisey : [to a snake] Come get the cheese, buttercup.
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Grandfather Disguisey : [walks outside after hearing crash] Ahh you're too young for the job. Go home and ask your mommy to change you're diaper.
Barney Baker : I don't wear a diaper.
Grandfather Disguisey : [laughs] Hey Pistachio! There's a talking baby out here!
Pistachio Disguisey : I want to see the talking baby coochy coochy coo! Brave Barney Baker nice to see you again!
Grandfather Disguisey : You know this baby?
Pistachio Disguisey : Yes, yes of course I do!
Barney Baker : Actually I was potty trained when I was two.
Pistachio Disguisey : Yes you are the conductor of the potty train!
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Texas Man : Am I going too fast for you?
Pistachio Disguisey : [Mocking Texas Man] Am I going too fast for you?
Texas Wife : Are you mocking my husband?
Pistachio Disguisey : [Mocking Texas Wife] Are you mocking my husband?
Texas Wife : 'Cause you better not be!
Pistachio Disguisey : [Mocking Texas Wife] 'Cause you better not be!
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Jennifer : ...And now I believe that you can do anything.
Pistachio Disguisey : Ah! That's very nice but not exactly true, I... I can't turn mud into oatmeal, for example, I can't build a spaceship that will travel to Pluto...
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Pistachio Disguisey : [as Gammy Num-Nums] Appraise this!
[Slams "Nest in a Box on counter]
Art Dealer : It appears to be of 12th century Tuscan design...
Pistachio Disguisey : I knew it was old, you fool! Let me appraise you; you're an idiot. A complete and total idiot!
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Devlin Bowman : [Speaking to Jennifer] No need to bring anything...
Pistachio Disguisey : [as Gammy Num-Nums] We don't want to go anywhere with you, Melon Head!
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Pistachio Disguisey : [Barney falls off skateboard] I noticed that you became acquainted with the sidewalk a moment ago.
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Jennifer : Love Cake?
Pistachio Disguisey : What?
Jennifer : You said "Love Cake"!
Pistachio Disguisey : Why would I say that? Your hindquarters are hideously scrawny!
Jennifer : What?
Pistachio Disguisey : What I was trying to say is that I have a present for Barney.
[hands her knee pads]
Pistachio Disguisey : Tell him they are from his dad... da da da dat Italian guy... Me.
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Grandfather Disguisey : Did you ask Jeeves?
Pistachio Disguisey : Yes but no such luck.
Grandfather Disguisey : When you were on the roof... did you hear something like this?
[Slaps Pistachio]
Pistachio Disguisey : Yes exactly that. But without the pain on my face. We have a clue!
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Pistachio Disguisey : I'm going to be a master of disguise! I'm going to be a master of disguise! I'm going to be a master of disguise...
Grandfather Disguisey : [slaps him] ENOUGH!
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Pistachio Disguisey : [as Terry Suave] Suave, Terry Suave.
Devlin Bowman : What do you want?