- Master Betty: I have been called bad before. Many have said I do things that are not correct to do. I don't believe in talk such as this. I am nice man, with happy feelings. All of the time. First, a joke. What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?
- [pause]
- Master Betty: My ass. Nyah, haha, haha, haha, ENOUGH.
- Chosen One: I'll take a pound of nuts.
- Shop Keeper: [yelling] That's a lot of nuts! That'll be four bucks, baby! You want fries with that?
- Narrator: I mean, crap man, look at that. That's like his stomach plug, on the ground back there. You don't see that every day. I mean that doesn't really even seem possible if you think about it, with body organs and cartilage and bones. I mean I'm no doctor, but it was like one clean chunk.
- Wimp Lo: [indicates Chosen One] Who is that?
- Student: [mouths silently for a few seconds] I don't know.
- Ling: But Chosen One, I'd like to help you, but I, I, I, I, I, I, I just can't. I won't! Whee-ooh!
- Chosen One: He wasn't at the restaurant, do you know where he is?
- Ling: No, I won't tell. Stay, stay and live, live a life with me. Whee-ooh!
- Chosen One: Look, Ling, those curly Qs in your hair make me so hot I can't think straight!
- Ling: You'll never make it. Never make it. Never make it. Never make it, never. Don't you see you can't make it?
- [Chosen One grabs her shoulders and is clearly yelling]
- Chosen One: [calmly] I implore you to reconsider.
- Ling: Hmmmmm, OK.
- Students: [chanted while fighting] Our! Sexual! Preferences! Are! Our! Own! Business!
- Master Doe: I have a mortal wound.
- Master Tang: Where? Where does it hurt?
- Master Doe: Oh, pretty much around the big bloody spot.
- Master Tang: I know you seek The Chosen One. And I know what you did to his family.
- [begins coughing]
- Master Tang: And now, I'm going to beat you up.
- Master Betty: Do you need a glass of water, or something? Geez, at least cover your mouth. We're all going to catch it.
- [Chosen One kicks Wimp-Lo in the face. Wimp-Lo does a pose]
- Wimp Lo: Ha! Face to foot style, how do you like it?
- Chosen One: I'm sure on some planet your style is impressive, but your weak link is: this is Earth.
- Wimp Lo: Oh yeah? Then try my nuts to your fist style!
- Master Betty: Hmmm. I'll kill him. I'll kill him dead. Like with, with a, rock or something. Like a, like a stone.
- Student: [after getting his shirt ripped by Betty] Why, I oughta...
- Master Tang: No! He would kill you like a small dog. Let your anger be as a monkey in a piñata... hiding amongst the candy... hoping the kids don't break through with the stick!
- Master Tang: [walking and singing] Hmm, chicken go cluck-cluck, cow go moo. Piggy go oink-oink, how 'bout you? Wanna be an animal just like you.
- [breaks off and looks around]
- Henchman: [in bushes] Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
- Master Betty: Mmm, I'm just a birdie, too!
- Master Tang: [resumes singing] Lemur go pff-pff, Ostrich go baah. Koala go
- [makes clicking noises]
- Master Tang: [narrating] At that moment, the Chosen One learned a valuable lesson about iron claws... they hurt like crap, man!
- Master Tang: Prepare the long rubber glove.
- [glove stretching]
- Master Tang: Eeny, meeny, miney, moe - I wonder where my glove will go?
- Master Tang: [singing] Oh, Taco Bell, Taco Bell, product placement with Taco Bell. Enchirito...
- Students: [joining in singing] Nacho, Burrito...
- [Betty has thrown a claw at Master Tang; the action freezes]
- Master Tang: [voiceover] Okay, so here were my options. A, quickly duck sideways, dodge the claw, then take him out with a spinning back kick, or B, take the claw in the face, then roll on the ground and die.
- [action resumes; Tang gets hit with the claw]
- Master Tang: Hmm, should have gone with A.
- [the intermission begins]
- Master Betty: Go get some snacks, perhaps a carbonated soda!
- Ling: I hope they have Icees!
- Chosen One: I have chosen the large tub.
- Wimp Lo: My nipples look like Milk Duds!
- Master Tang: I've got some yellow liquid for your popcorn, and it's non-dairy!
- Master Tang: I remember a long time ago, when a friend told me there would be a chosen one.
- [flashback to a younger Tang talking to Master Doe]
- Master Doe: There will be a chosen one.
- Master Tang: He then told me of the significance.
- [flashback]
- Master Doe: It will be significant.
- Master Tang: And then he killed the dog.
- [flashback, Master Doe closes his eyes, we hear a fart then a dog whimper]
- Chosen One: I now officially know too much, and why are you in bed?
- Master Tang: Oh, you wouldn't believe what happened next...
- Chosen One: [flashback begins] No wait, please!
- Master Tang: If you insist.
- Master Tang: [dying] Chosen One, do I look all right?
- Chosen One: Yeah... sure.
- Master Tang: On a scale of one to ten?
- Chosen One: Hmmm, one.
- Master Tang: Listen, and listen well. I really like the band N-Sync. My favorite member is Harpo. I think there's a Harpo. If not there should be. I will write their next hit, maybe 'A boom-boom chiky chiky boom-boom a boom-boom chiky chaka chaka cho cho.' By the way, you must beware of Betty's iron claw. They are sharp, and they hurt. And beware his song about big butts, he beats people up while he plays it!
- Chosen One: Killing is wrong. And bad. There should be a new, stronger word for killing. Like badwrong, or badong. Yes, killing is badong. From this moment, I will stand for the opposite of killing: gnodab.
- Mayor: That tiny net was sure-fire, master!
- Master Betty: Yes, a tiny net is a death sentence. It's a net and it's tiny!
- Ling: He was my father my entire life, we were friends, I loved him, and now he's dead-except for his hair and nails-dead, Waaaach!...
- Master Tang: Come inside! I'll get the Neosporin! Ba na na na na! Neo! Ba na na na na na na! Sporin!
- Town Children: We're children. We're children.
- [two students walk without opening their mouths]
- Students: [singing] We are both ventriloquists, ventriloquists, ventriloquists, we are both ventriloquists and we practice every day.
- Student 1: He carries the baskets.
- Student 2: He carries the paper roll.
- Students: And we don't have cysts. But one thing is for sure my friends, we are ventriloquists.
- Mayor: Er, Master Betty, what is the Evil Council's plan?
- Master Betty: Nyah. Haha. It is EVIL, it is so EVIL. It is a bad, bad plan, which will hurt many... people... who are good. I think it's great that it's so bad.
- Chosen One: You have helped me reach the next level. And here I was starting to think you were just a sadistic psycho bitch.
- Master Tang: Again, with feeling!
- Students: One of us. Is wearing. A push-up bra. It's lacy. And cute.
- Master Betty: Well, I thought you looked familiar. Sorry, I didn't recognize you without crap in your pants!
- Chosen One: His powers are greater than mine.
- Mu Shu Fasa: Yes, plus when you got hit with his iron claw you DID scream like a wussy.
- Master Doe: Uhh, water, everywhere. All over me, I'm getting wet. I am falling, you are falling, we are falling!
- [shouts]
- Master Doe: A whale!
- [the Chosen One is preparing to fight Master Betty; a man comes up to him]
- Master Doe: Wait! You are not ready!
- Chosen One: Who are you?
- Master Doe: Ling's father! Whee-oh-whee-oh-whee-oh-whee!
- Chosen One: Oh, dear.
- Wimp Lo: Take a close look. 'Cause I rule, baby.
- Chosen One: And who do you rule, the large-dark-nipple people?
- Master Tang: [after the movie] Hey, is someone going to come get me? There's, like, a hawk or something.
- [a hawk is eating his leg]
- Master Tang: Oh dear. That's not good. Uh, Mr. Hawk? Can you please stop eating my leg? Oh my.
- [you can hear crew members laughing]
- Master Tang: Hey! It's not funny! What's so - ? He's a predator, for crying out loud!
- [screen fades to black]
- Master Tang: Hey, just because the screen turned black, doesn't mean he's stopped. He's still eating me! I promise! Somebody get me a stick! Save the whales.