Cannibal! The Musical (1993)
Matt Stone: James Humphrey, Woman Sitting (segment "Hang the Bastard")
Photos
Quotes
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James Humphrey : Wait! You're cutting into his butt!
Frank Miller : Well, what kind of piece do you want?
James Humphrey : Well, not butt!
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James Humphrey : Fudge, Packer?
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George Noon : [interrupting the trappers' gruesome song about the joys of killing animals] Oh, stop!
James Humphrey : That's sick!
Frenchy Cabazon : I agree! Nutter was singing in the wrong key!
Preston Nutter : No I wasn't! It was Loutzenheiser! I was singing in E-flat minor.
Frenchy Cabazon : The song's in F-sharp major!
Shannon Bell : I think they're the same thing. I mean, E flat is the relative major of F sharp.
Frenchy Cabazon : No it isn't! The relative minor is three half-tones DOWN from the major, not up!
George Noon : No, it's three down. Like A is the relative minor of C major.
O.D. Loutzenheiser : But isn't A-sharp in C major?
Shannon Bell : Wait, are you singing mixolydian scales or something?
Frenchy Cabazon : A-sharp is tonic to C major! It's the sixth!
James Humphrey : No, it isn't!
Israel Swan : Well, it would be like a raised 13th if anything.
Frenchy Cabazon : Oh well, you guys are just a bunch of loser diggers anyhow!
James Humphrey : Oh, see, you know we're right!
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James Humphrey : Wait, you guys. Let me talk to them. I know how to speak Indian.
Shannon Bell : We're gonna die.
James Humphrey : Weep-wah, weep-wah, surro no happo?
Indian #2 : Nani itto n jaa, omee?
[What the heck are you saying?]
James Humphrey : He says, "Welcome to the land of blue light."
[Humphrey simultaneously signs "Jesus Christ is dead."]
Indian #2 : Omai wa sono uchi, sakana to ishoo ni onemu suru koto ni naru, zo!
[Keep it up and you'll be sleeping with the fishes, see?]
James Humphrey : I am a carpenter, and this is my brother, Tom.
Frank Miller : Humphrey, you are so full of shit!
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The Cyclops : Are you lookin' at my eye?
Miners : [all scream]
The Cyclops : Are you lookin' at my *eye*?
Miners : [various] No. No. No. Not at all.
The Cyclops : A union army soldier did this to me in the big one. Any of you boys fight for the union army?
Frank Miller : Shucks no!
Shannon Bell : Chucky dang darn!
The Cyclops : So, you the boys been killin' all my sheepies with those traps?
George Noon : Naw! We just now gots here.
The Cyclops : Where are you from?
James Humphrey : Nashville.
The Cyclops : Well, damn! It's good to see some Southern boys! It's been a long time!
[sings]
The Cyclops : Oh, I wish I were in the land of cotton, old times there are not forgotten, look away! Look away! Look Awaaaay...
[waits for other to finish]
James Humphrey : ...You stupid yank!
The Cyclops : You ain't southern boys!
Miners : [all scream again and run]
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[mocking Alferd Packer not explaining the Colorado River beforehand]
James Humphrey : 'Are there any more big rivers between here and Breckenridge?' 'Oh no, just the Colorado!' THE BIGGEST FUCKING RIVER I'VE SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! Ya said drippin' with water.
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Indian #2 : Nanda? Sugu kotchi koi! Haiyaku! Haiyaku!
[What the heck? Come here immediately! Quickly! Quickly!]
Indian #1 : Kuso, bakayarou! Kono eiga ga daikirai zo.
[Shit, you moron! I hate this movie]
James Humphrey : Uh, you guys, I think they want us to follow them.
Indian #1 : Ike. Kono eiga ga suggoi baka na eiga da na!
[Go. This is a really stupid movie!]
Alferd Packer : What should we do?
George Noon : Maybe they just want Humphrey.
Indian #1 : Kotchi koi!
[Come here!]
Shannon Bell : I guess we don't have much choice.
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Frank Miller : Well, haven't you ever heard of the Donner party?
James Humphrey : Yeah, the Donner party! They got stuck in the California mountains.
Alferd Packer : They had to eat each other to stay alive.
[They all glance over at Swan's corpse]
James Humphrey : Well, heck yeah, why not?
Shannon Bell : Wait a minute, Humphrey, you wouldn't even eat your shoes!
James Humphrey : Well yeah, but you put your feet in shoes!
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Frank Miller : [seeing their dinner] You son of a bitch Humphrey.
James Humphrey : Come on, you haven't even tried it.
[Miller takes a mouthful]
Frank Miller : You son of a bitch Humphrey.
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Frank Miller : What part do we eat?
James Humphrey : Well, you're the butcher.
Frank Miller : Yeah, but...
James Humphrey : So, butch!
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[after Swan has been shot]
George Noon : He's dead!
James Humphrey : Well no kidding he's dead. His brains are lying in the snow.
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Indian Chief : Ya ya ya! Yoku kita na! Kimi ga kono eiga no shujinkoo nan daroo?
[Hi hi hi! Welcome! I guess you are the heroes of this movie?]
James Humphrey : He says...
Indian Chief : Who are you assholes?
James Humphrey : Oh, he speaks English.
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James Humphrey : Oh, gosh, I never thought I'd be sleeping next to a naked man on this trip.
George Noon : Just do what I'm doing. Just pretend like you're laying next to a nice soft woman.
Frank Miller : *What*?
George Noon : I'm just imagining old Mr. Miller here as a nice tall blonde.
Frank Miller : Oh, goddamn it! I want another partner!
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James Humphrey : Watch out for that bear trap.
Shannon Bell : What?
[Bear trap snaps on his leg]
Shannon Bell : [screams] Shpadoinkle.
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James Humphrey : You guys! I just thought of something too.
Alferd Packer : What?
James Humphrey : Okay, now, you remember when Swan was building that snowman? Well, how the hell did he make that tapping sound with his feet?
George Noon : You just now thought of that?
James Humphrey : Well, it's pretty fucking weird, isn't it?
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James Humphrey : So cold... can't move... can't feel... can't make complete sentences.
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James Humphrey : Excuse me. I've been doing some thinking. Ummm... just kind of looking at our situation here, and I've come to the conclusion that we're completely fucked! Has anybody else made this discovery?
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James Humphrey : Oookay... We, we could take our wheelbarrow, build it into a little boat, and then we ride it across, and then build it back into a wheelbarrow again!
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O.D. Loutzenheiser : You ain't trappers.
Frank Miller : No, we're miners.
Preston Nutter : You're diggers!
O.D. Loutzenheiser : Trapper horse ain't supposed to be with no digger!
James Humphrey : Nice hat!
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Alferd Packer : [voiceover] We were all frostbitten and on our last legs, when the butcher suggested that we eat our shoes.
James Humphrey : Well, I'm not eating my fucking shoes!
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James Humphrey : [under his breath] Carrots and peas, carrots and peas, and water chestnuts. Amen.
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Frenchy Cabazon : Say, you gents wanna trade some furs for the trip?
[takes some dead animals out of a sack]
Frenchy Cabazon : We got rabbits and beavers.
Israel Swan : Oh, how horrible!
James Humphrey : Where'd you guys get all those little dead animals?
O.D. Loutzenheiser : We're trappers, stupid!
Alferd Packer : Poor little bunny rabbits.
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Shannon Bell : Howdy!
General Store Clerk : Howdy!
George Noon : Howdy!
General Store Clerk : Howdy!
Israel Swan : Howdy-do!
General Store Clerk : Howdy!
Frank Miller : Howdy!
General Store Clerk : Howdy!
James Humphrey : Howdy!
General Store Clerk : Howdy!
Alferd Packer : Howdy-do!
General Store Clerk : Howdy!
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James Humphrey : Oh gosh, I never thought I'd be sleeping next to a naked man on this trip.
George Noon : Just do what I'm doing. Just pretend like you're laying next to a nice soft woman.
Frank Miller : What?
George Noon : I'm just imagining old Mr. Miller here as a nice tall blonde.
Frank Miller : Aww, goddammit! I want a different partner!
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Voice of Doom : [the miners meet a strange old man] You'll never come back again! It's got a curse on it!
James Humphrey : Provo?
Voice of Doom : The Rocky Mountains! I gotta warn ya... You're doomed! Doomed! Doomed! You're doomed! Doomed! Turn back while you still can! You're doomed! You're all doomed!
[He leaves]
Shannon Bell , Alferd Packer : Thank you.
