L.A. Story (1991)
Steve Martin: Harris K. Telemacher
Photos
Quotes
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Harris : [in admiring a painting] I like the relationships. I mean, each character has his own story. The puppy is a bit too much, but you have to over look things like that in these kinds of paintings. The way he's *holding* her... it's almost... filthy. I mean, he's about to kiss her and she's pulling away. The way the leg's sort of smashed up against her... Phew... Look how he's painted the blouse sort of translucent. You can just make out her breasts underneath and it's sort of touching him about here. It's really... pretty torrid, don't you think? Then of course you have the onlookers peeking at them from behind the doorway like they're all shocked. They wish. Yeah, I must admit, when I see a painting like this, I get emotionally... erect.
[the painting is then revealed to be solely a red rectangle]
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Harris : Why is it that we don't always recognize the moment when love begins but we always know when it ends?
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Tom : I'll have a decaf coffee.
Trudi : I'll have a decaf espresso.
Morris Frost : I'll have a double decaf cappuccino.
Ted : Give me decaffeinated coffee ice cream.
Harris : I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon.
Trudi : I'll have a twist of lemon.
Tom : I'll have a twist of lemon.
Morris Frost : I'll have a twist of lemon.
Cynthia : I'll have a twist of lemon.
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Harris : I could never be a woman, 'cause I'd just stay home and play with my breasts all day.
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Harris : [while showing Sara around "historical" Los Angeles] Some of these buildings are over twenty years old.
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Harris : Forget for this moment the smog and the cars and the restaurant and the skating and remember only this. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
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Harris : There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.
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[Harris is trying to convince Sara not to go back to England]
Harris : There comes a time in a person's life when it's now or never. It's now or never. Let me read to you from this book of poems: "O pointy birds, o pointy pointy. Anoint..."
[Sara slams window shut]
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Harris : Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, "Hey... life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much." Of course I'm paraphrasing: "Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."
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Harris : [answering the telephone] Hello, this is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please start talking at the sound of the beep.
[Harris makes a beeping noise mimicking an answering machine]
Sara : Hello?
Harris : Hello.
Sara : Hello?
Harris : Hello.
Sara : Is this a person?
Harris : Yes, it is a person.
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Harris : I call it performance art, but my friend Ariel calls it wasting time. History will decide.
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Harris : I've been thinking about myself and I think I can become the kind of person that's worth you staying for. First of all, I'm a man who can cry. Now it's true, it's usually when I've hurt myself, but it's a start.
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Harris : [calling the restaurant] Hello, L'Idiot? Yes, I'd like to make reservations for two for Friday. Saturday? Sunday? Ah good. Eight-thirty. Five-thirty or ten-thirty? Um, five-thirty. Visa... I'm a weatherman... yes, I'm on TV! Renting... I just sold a condo... yes, in this "soft market"... well, I don't see how that's any of your... the low fifties.
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Harris : [in Sara, who plays the tuba unknown to Harris, asking Harris when the right time to make deep, sustained, booming sounds were in L.A] Ah - deep, sustained, booming sounds. Around nine, nine-fifteen.
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Harris : So there I was jabbering at her about my new job as a serious newsman - about anything at all - but all I could think was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderful and yet again, wonderful.
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[Harris overhears an amorous couple in the next room]
Harris : They're really excited. They must be cheating on someone.
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Harris : A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.
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Harris : Let us just say I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.
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Harris : [in Harris discovering his girlfriend Trudi slept with his agent] And I thought they were only supposed to take ten percent.
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Harris : Well, maybe you think it's intellectual because you were raised with a banana and an inner tube... This is an intellectual-free zone.
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SanDeE* : [after SanDeE* and Harris get enemas together] So, what do you think?
Harris : I think it was a total washout.
SanDeE* : God, it really clears out your head.
Harris : Head? Head? You should go back in there and tell them they're doing it wrong. Well, it was a great lunch and enema, thanks.
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Harris : You know, you're really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door.
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Harris : [after seeing tiny dinner at L'Idiot's] I'm already finished and I don't remember eating.
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Gail : And what a surprise this weekend when the weather turned unseasonably low. Here's Harris Telemacher, our "wacky weatherman" with a report.
Harris : And when the weather dropped down to 58 degrees this weekend, how did you cope?
Man : I went to make sure all the windows were shut.
Harris : And, what about your pets? Were they outside? What happened?
Man : Well, the cats were out till around ten. But it got a little too cold for them and they came in.
Harris : The cats were out till around ten. But it got a little too cold for them and they came in! Well, that's how L.A. coped with that surprise low of 58 degrees that turned the weekend into a real weenie shrinker!
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Harris : Here, let me not drive for a while.
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Harris : We've got sun, earth, and atmosphere, and when you've got that, you've got weather!
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SanDeE* : I'm studying to be a spokesmodel.
Harris : What is, what is a spokesmodel?
SanDeE* : Um, it's just a model who speaks, you know, and she points at things like merchandise, you know, like a car or washer and dryer. Sometimes it's something really small, you know, like, like a book or fine art print.
Harris : They have classes for that?
SanDeE* : Yeah, 'cause it's a lot harder than it looks.
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Harris : If confusion about your love life is ruining your day, I think it's good to go over to your best friend's house and ruin her day too.
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Harris : Okay, more wacky, less egghead. What was your name again?