Get Smart, Again! (1989 TV Movie)
Don Adams: Maxwell Smart
Quotes
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Maxwell Smart : Because at this very moment, this warehouse is being surrounded by one hundred cops with Doberman pinschers. Would you believe it? A hundred cops with Doberman pinschers.
Nicholas Dimente : I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart : Would you believe ten security guards and a bloodhound?
Nicholas Dimente : I don't think so.
Maxwell Smart : How about a Boy Scout with rabies?
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Maxwell Smart : Go to sleep, 99.
Agent 99 : I can't.
Maxwell Smart : Why not?
Agent 99 : You're sitting on me.
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Cmdr. Drury : The fate of the civilized world depends upon you.
Maxwell Smart : What about our side, sir?
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Agent 99 : Oh Max, how horrible.
Maxwell Smart : Well he deserved it 99, he was nothing but a Kaos killer.
Agent 99 : Sometimes I wonder if we're any better Max.
Maxwell Smart : What are you talking about, 99? We have to kill and maim and destroy, we stand for everything that's good and fine and decent in the world.
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[last lines]
Maxwell Smart : 99, I love you better than the whole world. Would you believe it? The whole world.
Agent 99 : Yes Max, I believe it.
[they kiss]
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Beamish : Mr. Smart, may I say that meeting you is the highlight of my entire career!
Maxwell Smart : Thank you, Beamish! How long have you been with the company?
Beamish : Three days!
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Maxwell Smart : Could you speak a little louder, sir? They're throwing dirt in my grave.
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Agent 99 : You met the President! What's he like?
Maxwell Smart : Everything you'd expect him to be!
Agent 99 : Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
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Cmdr. Drury : Smart, you appear to be in pretty good shape, do you work out?
Maxwell Smart : I jog one hundred miles every day! Would you believe it? One hundred miles!
Cmdr. Drury : I find that hard to believe.
Maxwell Smart : Would you believe fifty?
Cmdr. Drury : No!
Maxwell Smart : How about two push ups and a deep breath?
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Maxwell Smart : Missed it by *that* much.
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Agent 99 : Oh, Max. You let him get away. Did you get a look at his face?
Maxwell Smart : If that was his face he has a huge cleft in his chin!
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Agent 13 : What's our assignment? Find Hotentot?
Maxwell Smart : 13! How did you know that?
Agent 13 : I still got my contacts, Max. I got a friend inside the White House, really inside. She's in the plumbing!
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Larrabee : You mean you and Siegfried are triplets?
Prof. Helmut Schmelding : No, there are three of us.
Maxwell Smart : You mean to tell me that you have another brother who looks exactly like you and Siegfried?
Prof. Helmut Schmelding : No, a sister.
Larrabee : I bet she has a tough time getting dates.
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Cmdr. Drury : They can produce acid rain, destroy all our crops, and pollute our water.
Maxwell Smart : [Incredulously] You mean they can do that better than we're doing it now?
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Nicholas Dimente : I can drown the city that houses your finest minds, your most brilliant intillects.
Maxwell Smart : [to 99] Well at least Washington is safe.
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Maxwell Smart : Ok, I'll go in and you cover me.
Agent 99 : Max, I dont have a gun.
Maxwell Smart : Eh, ok, then you go in and I'll cover you.
Agent 99 : Max!
Maxwell Smart : Eh, I've got a gun for you, 99.
[pulls open elbow-patch, takes out mini-gun]
Maxwell Smart : Max this looks like a tootsie role with a trigger. What do you say when you use this, 'Put your finger up?'
Maxwell Smart : Well, it might not look like much, 99, but when you attach this noiser to it...
Agent 99 : Noiser?
Maxwell Smart : ...a bang becomes a boom.
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Cmdr. Drury : [on phone] This is the single most important telephone call you will ever receive. The fate of the world depends upon you.
Maxwell Smart : [on shoephone] Could you hold that thought for a second sir, someone's coming.
[Max moves off as a coffin slides by]
Cmdr. Drury : He put the world on hold.
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Maj. Waterhouse : The Cone of Silence. It's an obsolete anti-bugging device.
Maxwell Smart : Well, it's not really obsolete, sir. as a matter of fact, I bought one at the Control garage sale, it's hanging over my bed.
Cmdr. Drury : Over your bed?
Maxwell Smart : I talk in my sleep.
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Cmdr. Drury : Now Smart, remember, KAOS will do everything in it's power to try to stop you. You'll be in imminent danger and constant jeopardy, facing death at every turn.
Maxwell Smart : And... loving it!
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Maxwell Smart : Where have you been keeping yourself?
Agent 13 : [lying in a cabinet drawer] Oh, here and there, just part-time spying now. Two weeks in a toilet in Talido, a voodoo drum in Haiti. That was kind of fun, like a vacation.
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Maxwell Smart : We need you to come back to work for Control.
Hymie : Sure, when you need me you come around. Otherwise I never hear from you. It really hurts, Max. I'm not made of stone, you know.
[hits his metal chest]
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Dr. Denton : We have perfected a mini-camera that fits right into your nose. All you have to do is press this button on your jacket and your elbow will record what your nose sees.
Maxwell Smart : Well, wouldn't it be better if my nose recorded what my elbow sees?
Dr. Denton : No.
Maxwell Smart : No?
Dr. Denton : No.
Maxwell Smart : No.
Dr. Denton : Simply because in your elbow patch compartment there is a mini recorder plus everything else you might need. A mini-magnet, a mini-gun and a mini-condom.
Larrabee : I'm curious. What use do we have for a mini-magnet?
Dr. Denton : All you need to know is in your mini-manual which is in your other elbow patch compartment.
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Maxwell Smart : We've got one week to save the world. Lucky it's this week, we set our clocks back on Sunday.
Larrabee : That gives us an extra hour.
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Maxwell Smart : [Max is holding a vase and a lamp and keeping a grandfatherclock from falling with his back] Wait a minute. Eh. Do me a favor.
Beademeyer : [pointing a gun at Max] What?
Maxwell Smart : [holds up the lamp and the vase] Hold these while I read you your rights.
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Agent 99 : Max, was that man from KAOS?
Maxwell Smart : How did you know, 99?
Agent 99 : Remember Gruvnik?
Maxwell Smart : Of course, Gruvnik the Spoiler!
Agent 99 : Right. In 1969 he was traded by KAOS to THRUSH for a rookie killer and two minor-league muggers. That man was Beademeyer, one of the muggers.
Maxwell Smart : Of course, I should've remembered his clammy hands.
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Maxwell Smart : I agree, 99. There's something rotten in Detroit.
Hymie : That's Denmark, Max.
Maxwell Smart : Oh. Well, things haven't been that great in Detroit either.
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Maxwell Smart : It's the old, old Trojan horse trick.
Cmdr. Drury : That could work... 99, are you sure this isn't your idea?
Agent 99 : No, it was Max's.
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Maxwell Smart : Well, we'll just have to chalk this up to a precious waste of time... and chalk.
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Agent 99 : Max, I can't believe me, I'm all butterflies. Do you realize how long it's been since we've done something this exciting together?
Maxwell Smart : What was wrong with Tuesday night?
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Agent 99 : Oh Max, I divulged too much. I didn't need to list all of your idiosyncrasies.
Maxwell Smart : My idiosyncrasies?
Agent 99 : Pages 127 to 145.
Maxwell Smart : Why couldn't you just write a diet book like everybody else?
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Maxwell Smart : [Max holds up Tolstoy's War and Peace to block a KAOS agent with a knife] Nobody gets through War and Peace!
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President : Believe me, it's not easy to send one of my men off on a mission that some of my Cabinet members have characterized as, one of certain death.
Maxwell Smart : Certain death?
President : Yes, but in my opinion I have no other choice.
Maxwell Smart : Could we get a second opinion?