- Patricia: FRUITCAKE? FRUITCAKE? Listen Bucko, I happen to be a highly educated, intelligent girl with an I.Q. that would put you pea-brain in the cellar. So remember, If it weren't for me, you wouldn't be here. Call me for dinner.
- Leo Porter: [Max and Leo are tied down in the desert] Max. I just want you to know... that I blame *you* for this.
- Max: [while disguised as priests and the soldiers ask them to preform the last rites on a dying man] . Say something in Latin.
- Leo Porter: I don't know any Latin.
- Max: [while a gun is pointed at his head] . You think they do?
- Leo Porter: [Speaking in Spanish to tell the soldier to lower his gun] . Rapido Soldado, rapido, gracias. Gets down on knees and starts to speak gibberish Latin. "Axmay this allay your aultfay, you stupiday erkjay AMEN"
- [Watching I Love Lucy]
- Tall Eagle: I don't know why he puts up with her. If she were mine, I'd cut off her nose.
- Leo Porter: [Max and Leo are escaping the desert after Max breaks a bottle of water to cut his bindings] The only bottle of water for two hundred miles and you had to break it.
- Patricia: [Max, Leo, and Patricia are dressing in holy attire on a train] If you're trying to make a pass at me, Max... I hardly think we're dressed for the occasion.
- Max: [driving jeep] Left, right! What difference does it make, Leo? We're in a desert!
- Leo Porter: [as jeep flies off ridge and gets stuck in an oasis] I said LEFT!