- Andrew: He's a wonderful guy and a terrific doctor. Never lost a patient. Got a couple of them pregnant, but never lost one.
- Andrew: Dulcy's cute, Maxwell. What is she? Twelve years old? Thirteen? What?
- Maxwell: She's twice that, Andrew! She's very experienced. She couldn't keep her hands off of me on the way up here.
- Andrew: Oh, Jesus, when are you gonna grow up? You're like one of those creatures in Greek mythology who's half-goat.
- Maxwell: You only live once, Andrew, you know that.
- Maxwell: Andrew, are you all right?
- Andrew: Maxwell, I think I fractured my last remaining nose
- Maxwell: You shouldn't fly. You're a mammal.
- Andrew, Maxwell: Thank you, Maxwell. A doctor with a license is no smarter.
- Maxwell: He never tires of insulting me, but when he's sick...
- Andrew: Yeah? Who overcharges me?
- Maxwell: But you always get well, don't you, Andrew?
- Andrew: I would get well anyhow, Maxwell, even without the leeches.
- Leopold: Come now, gentlemen. Am I to be over-praised merely for the accomplishments of being a civilized human?
- Bearded Professor: And what after the wedding, Leopold?
- Leopold: We are only having one week of leisure; which we will spend in London. A long waited opportunity to show her Thomas Carlyle's grave. Following that, we depart for the Continent, where I have - eh - consented to give a series of lectures on Renaissance art. It will be a pleasure to bring Tintoretto into perspective for his innumerable sycophants.
- Maxwell: So, how did you and Leopold meet?
- Ariel: We were both tourists at St. Peter's in Rome.
- Maxwell: You picked her up at the Vatican, Leopold?
- Ariel: My whole life I wanted to see the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
- Leopold: I met her in the Basilica before one of the lesser Madonnas. I couldn't resist the impulse to speak with this heavenly creature.
- Leopold: When prehistoric man roamed these very woods, naked and savage.
- Dulcy: You mean the good old days?
- Leopold: Yes! You think you'd like to see some long-haired neanderthal, his primitive weapon in hand, stalking through the brush like an animal, never dreaming that someday he will be extinct and *culture* will be the order of the day.
- Dulcy: Well, I'd like to try it for one night.
- Dulcy: I couldn't sleep. So, I came downstairs to read The Katzenjammer Kids.
- Leopold: Katzenjammer Kids? That's extraordinary. That's what happened in the dream.
- Dulcy: What dream?
- Leopold: Just now. Before I awoke. I was dreaming this.
- Dulcy: Me?
- Leopold: Precisely this! This is incredible. We were alone and you were lying across a sofa and you were reading and I asked you what and you said, "Katzenjammer Kids." And I thought it was funny. And then, your robe fell open, slightly. Only slightly. The way it is now. And I was taken with a great erotic fervor. And all the terrible thoughts of my whole life, that I'd been afraid to unleash, poured forth.
- Dulcy: How did I react?
- Leopold: Then you pressed your lips to mine and then the scene changed. And we were two savages in the wilderness. It was a prehistoric era. And I was a neanderthal, hunting my enemies with primitive weapons, and loving you uninhibitedly!
- Dulcy: Jesus, what did you eat before you went to bed?
- Andrew: Oh, Adrian, I'm still spinning. That was - that was a deeply religious experience on that tabletop.
- Adrian: Oh, you - it's only the beginning, you know. You wait till everyone's gone. I'll show you what Dulcy calls the Mexican Cartwheel.
- Andrew: Really? That sounds incredibly filthy.
- Adrian: It is!
- Andrew: Is it? Good, I can't wait.
- Adrian: So, can you forgive me?
- Andrew: Forgive you? I can ordain you this evening. You've cleared my sinuses for the summer.
- [first lines]
- Leopold: Ghosts or little spirits or pixies, I don't believe in them. Do you Mr. Foxx?
- Student Foxx: No, sir.
- Leopold: You sounded, with all your metaphysical gibberish.
- Student Foxx: Well, I didn't mean ghosts or spirits, professor.
- Leopold: Nothing is real, but experience. That which can be touched, tasted felt, or in some scientific fashion proved. We must never substitute qualitative events that are marked by similar properties and reoccurrences for fixed substances.
- Leopold: Metaphysical philosophers are simply men who are too weak to accept the world as it is. Their theories of the so-called mysteries of life, are nothing more than projections of their own inner uneasiness. Apart from this world, there are *no* realities.
- Student: But, that leaves many basic human needs - unanswered.
- Leopold: I'm sorry. I did not create the cosmos, I merely explain it.
- Professor: Is is boorish of me to ask you to inscribe your books?
- Leopold: Not at all.
- Professor: I agree with you about Balzac, Leopold. He's vastly overrated.
- Adrian: You know, Maxwell, I don't know where he comes up with some of these women.
- Andrew: Well, you know, Maxwell, he's a doctor; so, these poor women are in the tubercular ward, they show him gratitude.
- Adrian: Yeah, well, don't think I don't notice you - you leering at his buxom little weekend guests.
- Andrew: I leer! I admit it! I look. I leer. I salivate. I salivated the day that I met you!
- Carstairs: [kiss] Oh, Maxwell.
- [kiss]
- Carstairs: Mmm.
- [kiss]
- Carstairs: Sweetheart, listen.
- [kiss]
- Carstairs: We can't go on like this.
- Maxwell: Why not?
- [kiss]
- Carstairs: Mmm. Because my husband is beginning to realize there's nothing wrong with me.
- [kiss]
- Maxwell: It's medically sound to have periodic checkups.
- [kiss]
- Carstairs: Yes, but, not so many! The President doesn't have this kind of healthcare.
- [puts back on her dress]
- Adrian: She's very free-thinking and forward, isn't she?
- Andrew: Who? Ariel Weymouth?
- Adrian: No, Dulcy. She seems to give off animal vibrations.
- Andrew: No, she's a nurse, you know.
- Adrian: Well, not every nurse is sexy.
- Andrew: But, they're very knowledgable about the body. You know, they know exactly how all the organs function; so, they're wonderful.
- Adrian: Maybe I should ask for lessons?
- Andrew: [enthusiastically] You know, I bet she'd be willing to answer any questions you might have.
- Adrian: I was just joking. You think I need lessons?
- Maxwell: Blue Moon Glow.
- Ariel: That's exactly right! I'm amazed! I didn't think they sold it in this country.
- Maxwell: Well, an old love of mine wore it - a ballerina from Spain.
- Ariel: And the scent you're wearing, is that Bay Rum?
- Maxwell: Yes! That's exactly right. From the - straight from the corner drug store. Well, we recognize each other's smells. In the Animal Kingdom, we'd be married.
- Dulcy: I've been to Paris twice; but, I was miserable both times. Probably because I was there with the wrong person.
- Ariel: Oh, that's - that's important. Because, it's such a romantic place. If two people are really in love, a city like Paris becomes a great medium for which to explore their feelings. Don't you think, Leopold?
- Leopold: I like large cities.
- Ariel: Oh, and in the rain! Mmm.
- Andrew: Do you have any idea how much I lusted after you?
- Ariel: Well, why didn't you do something? I wanted you to!
- Andrew: You were this diplomat's daughter, raised by nuns, you know, I was shy! We were not in love. It was pure animal lust!
- Ariel: That's just what I was in the mood for.
- Andrew: I know, I know I missed an opportunity. I regretted it ever since. You know, that's the saddest thing in life, a missed opportunity. That was particularly rotten in this case; because, after you left, a month after you went to Europe, I learned, only then, that you were and had been sleeping with everyone. Everyone!
- Ariel: Not everyone! Well, maybe it was everyone.
- Andrew: I wouldn't have been the first. I would have been the twenty-first. Writers! Bankers! Poets! The entire infield of the Chicago White Sox.
- Ariel: You have to admit, I wasn't one of your shrinking, mousy, inhibited little virgins.
- Andrew: No, that's the understatement of the century.
- Ariel: What did you want me to do? Take charge? You didn't act like you wanted anything.
- Andrew: Well, I was used to slower women!
- Ariel: Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we'd made love that night. That the moment was so perfect, you know. And people find out things about themselves through lovemaking that they never dreamed of.
- Ariel: If you lusted after me so, why weren't you also in love with me? Can the two feelings really be separate?