Cheers (1982–1993)

John Ratzenberger: Cliff Clavin, Cliff, Self

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Quotes 

• Cliff : What a pathetic display. I'm ashamed God made me a man.

  Carla : I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging either.

• Woody : What's a Freudian Slip?

  Cliff : That's when you say one thing when you're actually thinking about a mother.

• Norm : I wish I had time for a hobby.

  Cliff : Norm, you've got time to make your own coal.

• [Cliff has read that his medication can cause male breast enlargement] 

  Cliff : I see you all looking at my chestal area; stop it! I don't have breasts!

  Rebecca : Don't let them get to you, Cliff. I took that medication and the risk of side effects is very overrated.

  Cliff : Oh, yeah, Rebecca? How long ago did you take it?

  Rebecca : About twenty years ago; back when I was a little boy.

  [Cliff stomps out as Rebecca high-fives Carla] 

• Carla : If the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes who would they eat first?

  Woody : Well probably the maid, 'cause she's not kin.

  Cliff : Yeah, but if they were smart they would ask her the best way to prepare herself.

• Cliff : If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside.

  Norm : If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside.

• [Sam has made a baseball comeback] 

  Norm : Boy oh boy. The thought of Sammy out there, chucking them down. What I wouldn't give to see that.

  Cliff : Norm, it's only a thirty-dollar train ride.

  Norm : Well, that's what I wouldn't give.

• [Red Sox star Wade Boggs enters Cheers] 

  Wade Boggs : Hi, I'm Wade Boggs.

  Norm : Yeah, pal, and I'm Babe Ruth.

  Cliff : And I'm Dizzy Dean.

  Woody : I'm Woody Boyd.

• [Norm walks in, and sits] 

  Cliff : Hey, Norm, What's up?

  Norm : My blood-alcohol level.

• Frasier : Boy, I never felt so low in my life.

  Cliff : Well, Doc, if it means anything to you, I'm here for you.

  Frasier : It doesn't, Cliff, but thanks.

• Cliff : Uh oh, looks like Woody's babes are comin' to blows.

  Sam, Frasier, Cliff, Norm : CAT FIGHT. CAT FIGHT.

  Kelly Gaines : You get outta my way right now or, so help me God, I'll... I'll hurt your feelings.

  Emily : You do that and I'll hurt yours right back.

  Frasier : KITTEN fight.

  Sam, Norm, Cliff : KITTEN fight.

• [the gang had been talking about reincarnation] 

  Cliff : Hey Sam, what of you think about death?

  Sam : [angry at Diane]  Too good for her.

• [after crashing Cliff's car, the guys try to get it restarted] 

  Sam : I'm turning the key, but nothing's happening.

  Cliff : That's because I've got it rigged up with an anti-theft device. What I do is I turn the wheel all the way to the left.

  Sam : Got it.

  Cliff : Then I turn the key as hard as I can.

  [Sam turns the key] 

  Sam : Oh dear. Cliff, I just broke off the key in the ignition.

  Cliff : I said "As hard as I can", Sammy.

• Cliff : Interesting little article here. It says that, uh... the average human being only uses seventeen percent of his brain. Boy, you realize what that means? We don't use a full, uh... sixty-four percent.

  Norm : Some don't use even more.

• [Norm and Cliff watch Frasier and Lilith make out their wills] 

  Cliff : I don't see what the fuss is over this whole will business. When I die, everything goes to ma.

  Norm : That's great, Cliff, but what if she dies first?

  Cliff : Shut up. Shut up, Peterson. SHUT UP, THE WHOLE SICK LOT OF YOU.

• [on reincarnation] 

  Cliff : The Hindus believe that what you come back as depends upon your behavior in your this life. If you led a good life, you come back in an elevated state.

  Coach : Like Colorado?

  Cliff : No, Coach. Uh, more like a king or a prince. Conversely, if you've not led a good life, you come back in a more lowly condition.

  Norm : Last time out, I must have made a real ass out of myself.

• [Sam tries to hotwire Cliff's disabled car] 

  Frasier : Are you sure you know what you're doing?

  Sam : Don't worry. My old friend Buck taught me how to hotwire a car.

  [Sam electrocutes himself and falls to the ground] 

  Frasier : Sam, are you all right?

  Sam : Diane?

  Cliff : You see, Sammy. What your friend Buck never counted on was the Cliff Clavin Auto Security System. First, Mr. Car Thief gets the shock of his life, then the doors automatically lock and the alarm goes off.

  Norm : Wait, the doors *lock*?

  Cliff : Yeah, and the alarm should be going off. I don't know why it ain't working.

  Norm : I guess I'll have to do it manually then...

  [screaming at Cliff] 

  Norm : You locked us out of the car!

• Frasier : [after Sam has lambasted Rebecca for burning down the bar]  Well, I guess we've seen the dark side of Sam Malone.

  Cliff : You wanna see dark sides, you oughta see Ma when you leave the shower curtain outside the tub.

• [the guys play a game of basketball, but Norm's ball won't bounce] 

  Sam : The ball seems a little low on air, Norm.

  Norm : Yeah, it's been a while since I've been to the gym. I used to go to the one next to Cheers.

  Cliff : There's no gym next to Cheers.

  Norm : I know, they tore it down to build the jewelry store.

  Cliff : There's no jewelry store either.

  Norm : I know, they tore that down to build the bank.

  Sam : Bank's been there as long as I can remember.

  Norm : Well, there you go.

• Cliff : Hey Carla, I have a potato that looks like Richard Milhouse Nixon.

  Carla : Big deal. Show me one that doesn't.

• Frasier : For I am a healer, that is what I do.

  Cliff : And WE are PANTSERS...

  Norm : THAT is what WE do.

  [Frasier runs] 

• Cliff : Hey Doc, ah, what do you think the toughest thing to cut through is?

  Frasier : Your unending bull.

• Woody : Sam, I found an apartment... It's got everything I ever wanted... a living room and a bedroom.

  Sam : Isn't this in Chinatown?

  Woody : I don't think so Sam.

  Sam : Well yeah I think it is. Did there seem to be a lot of Chinese restaurants around?

  Woody : Yeah, I guess so.

  Cliff : Were there a lot of uh signs hanging hither and yonder in Chinese there?

  Woody : Yeah, come to think of it.

  Norm : Lots of Chinese people walking around in the street I suppose.

  Woody : Yeah, but that could just be a coincidence you know. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll call my landlady. If anyone would know, Mrs. Chung would.

• Cliff : How would the Civil War had changed if Abraham Lincoln had octopus tentacles instead of a beard?

• Cliff : It's a little know fact that 42% of deaths in America are caused by accidents in the home.

  Carla : So were you.

• Cliff : Did I ever tell you kids about the first Thanksgiving? It took place between the ancient Egyptains and aliens from a distant galaxy.

• Norm : I'm trying to write a letter of recommendation for my secretary, Doris.

  Cliff : Why? Is she quitting?

  Norm : No, I gotta let her go. Business hasn't been so good since I decided to stop working.

• Cliff : Ah, there he is. Dr. Frasier Crane. The man who won the hand of Diane Chambers.

  Carla : Found out he had to keep the rest of her.

• Carla : [to Nick Tortelli]  You do anything to ruin my lovely daughter's wedding and I will choke you till your eyes bug out.

  Cliff : [tearfully]  It's just like "The Waltons".

• [Frasier has kidnapped baby Federick from his own bris] 

  Sam : Frasier, you realize you have to go back.

  Frasier : I know, Sam. I just don't know how I can return to a place where I have thoroughly embarrassed myself. How do you do it, Cliff?

  Cliff : Oh, that's easy, Frase. You see, I... hey!

• Cliff : Is this me or is this getting a little weird?

  Carla : You passed weird six months ago.

  Norm : Now you're boldly going where no man has gone before.

  Cliff : Boy, I guess it's true what they say, huh? There's a fine line between gardening and madness.

• Cliff : I have impossibly high standards for a woman.

  Norm : Yeah, she has to like you.

• [the gang has found out about Norm's interior decorating business] 

  Norm : Uh, guys; sorry I didn't tell you, but I figured you wouldn't understand.

  Cliff : Ah, we don't care about your sexual orientation there, Normie. You can get stuff wholesale!

• Cliff : Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... You know that famous buffalo theory thing...

  Norm : Yeah?

  Cliff : I never said it.

• Cliff : I am One with the Cosmos.