- Char Wallah Muhammed: [singing] Land of hope and glory, mother of the free....
- BSM Williams: [yells] Shut up!
- [program ends]
- Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons: Lofty! What happened?
- Lofty: I got captured by tribesmen.
- Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons: Blimey! Did they give you a hard time?
- Lofty: No, they gave me a carpet!
- Gunner: [on a crashing plane] Solly, what's happening?
- Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons: I don't know, but if you can remember any hymns, sing 'em!
- Gunner: Solly, the only hymn I can remember, is "Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam"!
- Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons: And at the rate we're going, he's gonna get you!
- Captain Ashwood: Who's Major Waddilove-Evans?
- Colonel Reynolds: Eh? Oh, just the husband of the lady who happened to be on leave in the hills as the same time as me.
- [coughs]
- Captain Ashwood: Jolly good show.
- Colonel Reynolds: Yes, it was.
- Gunner 'Nosher' Evans: My Dad thinks I'm good-looking.
- Gunner 'Atlas' Mackintosh: Drinks a lot, does he?
- Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons: [the Sergeant-Major has been cursed by a fake holy man, so "Gloria" pretends to be a holy man and take the curse off] OK, Sergeant-Major, you just have to repeat what the holy man says.
- Gunner Beaumont: Oh-waaaaaa!
- BSM Williams: Oh-wa.
- Gunner Beaumont: Ta-naaaaaaaaaaa!
- BSM Williams: Ta-na.
- Gunner Beaumont: Si-aaaaaam!
- BSM Williams: Siam.
- Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons: You have to repeat it.
- BSM Williams: Oh-wa. Ta-na? Siam.
- Bombardier 'Solly' Solomons: Go a little faster, Sergeant-Major.
- BSM Williams: Oh-wa. Ta-na. Siam. Ohwa. Tana. Siam. Ohwa-tana-siam. Ohwatanasiam. Oh-what-an-ass-I-am.
- BSM Williams: I didn't send the Bearer Sir, I thought it was far too important to trust a native.
- Colonel Reynolds: Who did you send?
- BSM Williams: Gunner Sugden Sir.
- Colonel Reynolds: That small one with the very high voice?
- BSM Williams: That's right Sir, and the very low head!
- Gnr Graham: [they are ordered to fight and defy the Sun] But the Sun isn't an anatomical entity, it's an inanimate object. How can we possibly fight it, Sergeant-Major?
- BSM Williams: [mocking] How can we possibly fight it, Sergeant-Major? Let me tell you, Gunner La-De-Dah Graham, the British Army can fight anything! Intimate or not!
- Gunner 'Nobby' Clark: I always thought concubines were those little animals, with spikes on their backs.
- Gunner Beaumont: They're *porcupines*.
- Gunner 'Parky' Parkin: [there is a snake loose in the camp] Why don't we buy a mongoose to frighten it away?
- Gunner 'Nobby' Clark: I didn't know snakes were afraid of geese.
- BSM Williams: Right lovely boys, let's have a look. Oehhhhh, very good. Very artistic. Wait a minute. Gunner Graham?
- Gnr Graham: Sir.
- BSM Williams: Come here.
- Gnr Graham: Sergeant-major.
- BSM Williams: University education.
- Gnr Graham: Yes, yes that's quite right Sergeant-major.
- BSM Williams: How do you spell artillery?
- Gnr Graham: A-R-T-I-L-L-E-R-Y
- BSM Williams: No no. You spell it A-R-T art, I-L-L ill, A-R-Y ary. It's not artillery, it's artillary, artillary! I've been in this regiment 22 years, and I oughta know.
- Gnr Graham: Probably you haven't seen it very often Sergeant-major, it's usually only the initials AR.
- BSM Williams: You trying to make out I don't know how to spell it?
- Gnr Graham: No I...
- BSM Williams: SHUT UP!
- BSM Williams: Gunner Sugden is next sir. I don't think he will be here very long.
- BSM Williams: March! Left right, left right, left right, left right, move yourself move yourself, move yourself! Salut!
- BSM Williams: Now, the colonel and the captain would ask you questions to see if you're suitable as a bombarbier. Is that clear?
- Lofty: Yes Sergeant-Major.
- Captain Ashwood: Now then sugden, you're on patrol with an officer and 10 man. You see 3 Japanese soldiers entering a thicket. When do you open fire?
- Lofty: How thick is the thicket?
- BSM Williams: The thickness of the thicket has nothing to do with it, answer the question!
- Lofty: What are they going in the thicket for?
- Colonel Reynolds: Good question. What are they going in the thicket for Ashwood?
- Captain Ashwood: It doesn't say sir. I think they're just passing through.
- Colonel Reynolds: I see, when do you open fire Sugden?
- Lofty: Before they entering the thicket?
- BSM Williams, Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood: No.
- Lofty: When they're in the thicket?
- BSM Williams, Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood: No.
- Lofty: When they come out of the thicket?
- BSM Williams, Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood: No.
- Lofty: I failed, haven't I?
- BSM Williams, Colonel Reynolds, Captain Ashwood: Yes.
- Colonel Reynolds: I shan't forget this, Gunner... Gunner...
- Lofty: Sugden, sir.
- Colonel Reynolds: That's right.
- The Concert Party: [opening song] Meet the gang / 'cos the boys are here / the boys to entertain you / with music and laughter / to help you on your way / to raising the rafters / with a hey, hey, hey / with songs, sketches, and jokes old and new / with us about / you won't feel blue / so meet the gang / 'cos the boys are here / the boys to entertain you / B, O, B O Y S / boys to entertain you!
- Rangi Ram: [the Sgt-Major has managed to annoy a fortune teller] Oh, Sergeant-Major, he is cursing you. He say all your teeth fall out.
- BSM Williams: Oh, dear, how sad, too late.
- Colonel Reynolds: [their faulty plane has just crashed] Right! Evacuate!
- Gunner Beaumont: Blimey! I nearly did!
- Rangi Ram: I shall put in telegram: "All postings cancelled. Whole area covered with Bubonic plague, and put into gelatine."
- Gunner Graham: *Quarantine*.
- Rangi Ram: Oh! Saab righty, Rangi wrongy.
- Gunner 'Nobby' Clark: Rangi, gelatine's the thing they cut your head off with.
- Gunner Beaumont: That's a guillotine, you berk!