- David Bonner: Who are you? I mean, what's your name?
- Caroline Hedges: Caroline. Caroline Hedges.
- David Bonner: Any relationship to Sam Shrub?
- [first lines]
- [a faceless leg, belonging to Elgin Smith, is kicking around a soccer ball by himself]
- Elgin Smith: [breathless voice over] Inside. All right. Make it good, let's do that again. OK coach, why aren't you watching now. Watch out, Pele. Let's top that ball - top it. Yeah. Let's do it again. All right. Smith, the mighty foot, moves downfield with amazing agility. Intense concentration. Ah, you've been reading too much, Ben. Oh!
- [last lines]
- [Elgin is at the zoo by himself looking at the camel in the pen as it snows lightly and as a zoo worker passes by]
- Zookeeper: Sure get your money's worth.
- Elgin Smith: Oh, yeah. I guess I am. Do you happen to know where Bactria is?
- Zookeeper: Asia, I think.
- Elgin Smith: Asia.
- Zookeeper: Uh-huh.
- Elgin Smith: Does it snow there?
- Zookeeper: Maybe. Sure snows here.
- Elgin Smith: Yeah.
- Zookeeper: [about the camels in the snow] They seem to adapt.
- Elgin Smith: Yeah, I guess they do.
- Shelley: [enters wearing only a towel] Oh, hi. You're Elgin, right? Look, I just want to make sure I came in through the right window. Um, do you have a sweater or something I could put on?
- Shelley: Some women are so jealous. I'm not. Are you?
- Elgin Smith: Well, I don't think I'd like it if my girlfriend was messing around, no.
- Shelley: That's *sweet*. That's old fashioned. I like that in a man.
- David Bonner: I see. You're looking to fall deeply and romantically and spiritually in love - like Romeo, Yeats, Keats. How 'bout Shelley?
- Elgin Smith: Would you like to go for a drink or something? I don't have any dope.
- Shelley: I bet I could find your room. Once I've been someplace once, I'm just like a homing pigeon.
- Elgin Smith: My room?
- Shelley: Yeah. Third floor.
- [in a fake French accent]
- Shelley: Ze zecond one ze left.
- Shelley: You want to make love?
- Elgin Smith: Just like that? Have you been reading a lot of Cosmopolitan or something?
- Shelley: You may not believe this, but, I've never said that to a guy before. But, you're kind of different. I feel sort of - maternal. Oh, it's not in a bad way. It's in a sexy way.
- Caroline Hedges: I really don't feel like going home tonight. Would you mind if I spent the night with you? I don't mean it the way it sounds. I just don't want to be alone.
- Professor Oxtan: "The Divine Comedy", or the "Comedia", as we shall refer to it, traces the progression of the soul from a state of sin to a state - of ecstasy.
- Caroline Hedges: Oh! Oh, yes. Oh, yes! Oh. Oh! Yes! Yes! Now gentle. Yes. Oh, yes! Mmm. Oh, beautiful.
- Elgin Smith: I want to tell you something. That was the first time...
- Caroline Hedges: First time? The first time? What do you mean?
- Elgin Smith: No.
- Caroline Hedges: What else do you mean?
- Elgin Smith: That was the first time that - its ever felt right. You know, like it should feel when you make love to somebody.
- Elgin Smith: Do you cum? Do you have orgasms?
- Caroline Hedges: You don't mean orgasms do you? What do you think I've been doing?
- Elgin Smith: When?
- Caroline Hedges: When? Elgin, I was cumming all over the place.
- Elgin Smith: When exactly?
- Caroline Hedges: How could you miss it?
- Elgin Smith: Be more specific.
- Caroline Hedges: Where were you? I could hardly breathe. And by body was having convulsions.
- Elgin Smith: Oh, that was it, huh.
- Caroline Hedges: Yeah, that was it. I'm sorry. Next time I'll send up flares.
- Elgin Smith: All I ever hear about or read about in the world is female orgasms and I've never seen one. I just wanted to know for sure.
- Caroline Hedges: Well, now you've seen many. You can be sure.
- Elgin Smith: It's just that with a guy, you know, there's an obvious progression of events, you know. First...
- Caroline Hedges: You're hard.
- Elgin Smith: Yeah. And then, you know...
- Caroline Hedges: White, sticky stuff.
- Elgin Smith: Yeah, and then, you know...
- Caroline Hedges: Then you're soft and no good to me anymore.
- Elgin Smith: Do you have any dope?
- David Bonner: No. You should have felt bad yesterday. I had a whole lot of it. It's gone. I've got some sleeping pills.
- Elgin Smith: I don't want to go to sleep, David. I just want to go numb.
- Shelley: What do you think? Do you think everything's just a mess? I mean, do you think that everybody's looking for something that they can't find?
- Elgin Smith: How old is this guy?
- Caroline Hedges: Forty-six.
- Elgin Smith: Forty-six? You and I together aren't forty-six.
- Elgin Smith: Did you cum with him? Did you?
- Caroline Hedges: I don't remember.
- Elgin Smith: He's real experienced.
- Caroline Hedges: He's very experienced. Elgin, do you have *any* idea how much this is turning me off?
- Elgin Smith: Sit down. Have a seat. I sound like a receptionist. Have a seat. The doctor will be right with you.
- Shelley: Oh, Doc, it's an emergency. I have a broken life. Maybe we should x-ray it.
- David Bonner: Look, Elg, you can't take the woman thing too seriously. You got to remember that.
- Elgin Smith: More from David Bonner and the great ideas of Western Man series.
- Elgin Smith: Are you happy with me?
- Caroline Hedges: Yes. Are you with me?
- Elgin Smith: Can't you tell?
- Caroline Hedges: Can't *you* tell?
- Elgin Smith: I don't know.
- Shelley: Have you ever tried any positions from the Kama Sutra?
- Elgin Smith: I doubt it.
- Shelley: I'll tell you about Krishna and Rahda.
- Elgin Smith: Okay.
- Shelley: Krishna was the god of all the heavens and Radha was this young Indian maiden he wanted to make love to; but, because he was a god and she was just a maiden he couldn't do it. So, he invented a position, called the defying position.
- Elgin Smith: The defying position.
- Shelley: The defying position. Um, you hold my leg up like that and hold it like this.
- Elgin Smith: You've got to be kidding.
- Shelley: No! It's great. You'll love it. I - I think. Wait. Hold on. Oh! Oh! Now, see. But, wait. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh! Oo, that feels good.
- Elgin Smith: Shelley, you won't believe this; but, there is an easier way.
- Professor Oxtan: Good morning. Today, I'd like to talk about empiricism and the profoundly disappointing spector of the Pepsi Generation.
- Shelley: You know, I'd stay all night. I'd do whatever you'd want to do. But, you have to know that it's me. That's all I want.
- Elgin Smith: I know. I know.
- Shelley: You just have to know it's me.
- Elgin Smith: I know.
- Shelley: Know you don't. Nobody does.