- Purser Watkins: Lieutenant Columbo? The Captain would like to see you right away.
- Lt. Columbo: The Captain? To see me? It's not about my wife, is it? I mean... she likes to have a good time, sometimes she gets carried away...
- Purser Watkins: It's not about your wife, sir.
- Lt. Columbo: [seasick] The same thing happened to me last year. My wife and I were checked into this motel with a water bed. I thought I was gonna die.
- Lt. Columbo: [Lt. Columbo is preparing to test fire a bullet for a ballistics check] Would you mind?
- Hayden Danziger: Mind what?
- Lt. Columbo: Mind firing the gun into the mattress. I hate guns. Besides, I'm a bad shot. I'm liable to miss.
- Capt. Gibbon: [noting Columbo's raincoat] O-o-oh, tell me, Lieutenant... um... do you expect inclement weather in the Mexican waters?
- Lt. Columbo: No, they tell me the weather down there's great this time of the year.
- Lt. Columbo: [Pointing to surgical gloves] Do you know how many pairs of these you have on board?
- Doctor Frank Pierce: Uh, no, not offhand.
- Lloyd Harrington: Wait, Lieutenant, the man in the photograph... Do you think he's the one that did it?
- Lt. Columbo: Yes. But don't say anything. I haven't gotten him yet.
- Lt. Columbo: Saxophone repair, lead sheets, piano tuning, hotel, restaurant... All these receipts have one thing in common. They represent tax deductions, with one single exception - the receipt for the gun. He can't deduct that. He can deduct all these, so we know why he saved these. I'll tell ya, sir, for the life of me I can't understand why he saved this one.
- Hayden Danziger: [to Rosanna] You're sticking it to the wrong guy. I spent twenty years building up my business, and no smart little broad from Pittsburgh is gonna take it away from me.
- Hayden Danziger: Why are you checking on previous passengers?
- Lt. Columbo: It's the timing of the murder, sir. Whoever killed Miss Wells must've known that she would go to her cabin during the break. You see, that would suggest a member of the crew or a member of the band. A passenger wouldn't know that - not on the FIRST night of the cruise - but a previous passenger WOULD.
- Purser Watkins: And, uh, Lieutenant, that's a boat.
- Lt. Columbo: Oh, that's a... and... To hell with it.
- Lt. Columbo: [speaking to Danziger at the evening party] I will keep on something until it's finished.