- Roger: Let me tell you something. Anybody who graduates from Melrose Avenue certainly won't make it at the network.
- Roger: I tell you anybody who graduates from the Moonrise night school on Melrose Avenue is certainly not going to make it at the network!
- [Mertons has been repeatedly wheezing, hiccuping, and wheezing again since he and Wilbanks had been stranded on the ledge]
- Francis X. Wilbanks: Stop the wheezing, will you? Please stop the wheezing! First you wheeze, then you hiccup, then you wheeze again! You're enough to drive anybody nuts!
- Mertons: Oh, I am, am I?
- Francis X. Wilbanks: Yes!
- Mertons: Well, you're my boss. Maybe I shouldn't say this, but you've been complaining ever since we've been up here. If you don't like the way I wheeze and hiccup, why don't you go find your own ledge to stand on?
- [Wheezes again]
- Francis X. Wilbanks: What?
- [a helicopter is approaching the stranded Wilbanks and Mertons]
- Mertons: Maybe they're coming to rescue us.
- Francis X. Wilbanks: They're not coming to rescue us. That's our news helicopter.
- Mertons: You mean our own network is taking pictures of us?
- Francis X. Wilbanks: That's exactly what I mean.
- News Broadcaster: We interrupt to bring you a special newscast of a sensational suicide try on Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles.
- Mrs. Crampton: Oh, isn't it sad how many nuts are running around loose today?
- E. J. Crampton: It certainly is, sweetheart.
- News Broadcaster: Our special UBC helicopter enables us to bring you an exclusive close-up view of the pair attempting suicide. These pictures, live from the scene.
- E. J. Crampton: There you are. Another first for UBC.
- [a closeup from the news helicopter reveals the stranded Wilbanks and Mertons]
- E. J. Crampton: [Stands up] Oh, no!
- Francis X. Wilbanks: Oh, I'm ruined. I'm ruined! What's Crampton gonna say?
- [Cuts to Crampton getting dressed while cursing Wilbanks loudly to himself]
- E. J. Crampton: You lame brain. You thick-skulled, pin-headed, dim-witted bumbler!