Sweet Charity (1969)
Shirley MacLaine: Charity
Photos
Quotes
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Charity Hope Valentine : Wow! This place sure is crawlin' with celebrities. I'm the only person here I never heard of.
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Oscar Lindquist : The odds against us are at least a hundred to one.
Charity Hope Valentine : Those are the best odds I ever had.
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[repeated line]
Charity Hope Valentine : Fickle finger of fate!
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Oscar Lindquist : Suppose you want a policy...
Charity Hope Valentine : Yes, I want a policy. Go on.
Oscar Lindquist : It's my job to study your particular situation... and then figure out the odds on your meeting with an unfortunate accident... like... like suffo... suff... suff... suffocating in an elevator.
[He faints]
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[first lines]
Charity Hope Valentine : Oh, Charlie! I'm on time, right? Wrong. You know what I did today? I looked at furniture. At couches that turn into beds and chairs that turn into beds and lamps that turn into beds.
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Charity Hope Valentine : I hope your tight Italian pants choke you to death!
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Charity Hope Valentine : Why'd he do it? Everything he ever wanted, I bought him. $11 shirts, $79 Italian silk suits. Just what'd I do wrong? I'd even get up in the middle of the night and buy him his meatball sandwiches. Boy, did he love those meatball sandwiches.
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Charity Hope Valentine : He can go slip and slide his greasy head on somebody else's shoulder. I'm finished!
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Vittorio : Oh, that girl! She's driving me crazy. Wild fits of jealousy. I can't stand it any longer. She's impossible.
Charity Hope Valentine : That was my first impression.
Vittorio : Childish, neurotic, selfish.
Charity Hope Valentine : That was my second impression.
Vittorio : Well, it's finished. She's just not worth it.
Charity Hope Valentine : Well, on the other hand, you know, she's not so bad in the looks department.
Vittorio : Ah, yes. Yes, you're right. She is very beautiful.
Charity Hope Valentine : Well, I mean, if you go for that sort of thing.
Vittorio : No, you are right. You are absolutely right. She is - gorgeous.
Charity Hope Valentine : I think I just screwed myself up.
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Vittorio : Do you like Brahms?
Charity Hope Valentine : Huh?
Vittorio : The music.
Charity Hope Valentine : Oh. Oh, yeah. It's got a - it's got a great beat.
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Vittorio : What should I do? Be magnanimous and forgive her - or be aloof?
Charity Hope Valentine : "AIoof" sounds good.
Vittorio : You think so?
Charity Hope Valentine : The aloofer the better.
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Charity Hope Valentine : I could eat a horse. I was only kidding.
Vittorio : Now, we dance!
Charity Hope Valentine : Yeah, I wasn't hungry anyway.
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Charity Hope Valentine : I'm a dance hall hostess.
Vittorio : Oh.
Charity Hope Valentine : There, you see? You shoulda let me lie. I was gonna be an assistant dental technician.
Vittorio : Well, that doesn't sound very impressive.
Charity Hope Valentine : It does to a dance hall hostess.
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Charity Hope Valentine : Where are we?
Vittorio : My place. Come on.
Charity Hope Valentine : Your place? Hey, wait. Just a second. Get in the car, get outta the car, go here, go there, your place... You think you can just "your place" and, eh...
[snaps her fingers]
Charity Hope Valentine : any time you feel like it, huh?
Vittorio : Coming?
Charity Hope Valentine : Yeah.
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Vittorio : Tell me, why do you believe in love?
Charity Hope Valentine : Everybody's gotta have some religion, don't they?
Vittorio : And so your religion is love?
Charity Hope Valentine : Well, I'll tell you one thing, I sure go to church a lot.
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Charity Hope Valentine : [singing] All I can say is, wow, Hey, look at where I am, Tonight I landed, pow! Right in a pot of jam, What a set-up, holy cow! They'd never believe it, If my friends could see me, Now, They'd never believe it, They'd never believe it, They'd never believe it...
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Vittorio : You have a nice laugh.
Charity Hope Valentine : You have a nice everything.
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Nickie : What you do in bed is your business.
Charity Hope Valentine : You see? I wasn't even in bed. I was in the closet.
Nickie : To each his own.
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Charity Hope Valentine : [looking through a key hole at Vittorio and Ursula making up after a fight] Wow. Oh, talk about your foreign movies!
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Charity Hope Valentine : How about, um - stenotypist?
Nicholsby : Oh, are you a stenotypist?
Charity Hope Valentine : Well, not at the moment.
Nicholsby : But you *do* - stenotype?
Charity Hope Valentine : Maybe.
Nicholsby : Uh-huh. What do you mean?
Charity Hope Valentine : What is it?
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Nicholsby : What nice job would you like? And don't say mine, 'cause it's already taken.
Charity Hope Valentine : Well, something in an office.
Nicholsby : Good. You, um, type, of course?
Charity Hope Valentine : No.
Nicholsby : Take shorthand?
Charity Hope Valentine : No.
Nicholsby : Operate calculators?
Charity Hope Valentine : Nope.
Nicholsby : Keep books.
Charity Hope Valentine : No.
Nicholsby : File?
Charity Hope Valentine : No.
Nicholsby : Run a switchboard?
Charity Hope Valentine : No.
Nicholsby : You speak a foreign language?
Charity Hope Valentine : No.
Nicholsby : Um...
Charity Hope Valentine : No.
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Oscar Lindquist : [stuck in an elevator] Listen, I have an idea. What do you think of this? Climbing out the top of the elevator, shimmying up the cable, and then forcing the door open on the floor above.
Charity Hope Valentine : Well, it might work, but gee, I do think it sounds a little dangerous.
Oscar Lindquist : Then don't try it. Stay here with me.
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Charity Hope Valentine : Boy, this is really my lucky day. Of all the millions of guys in this town, I wind up with a candidate for the funny farm. Not too bad-Iookin' though - for a fruitcake.
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Charity Hope Valentine : [stuck in an elevator] Hey, you're shaking!
Oscar Lindquist : All over.
Charity Hope Valentine : Let me rub your wrist.
Oscar Lindquist : You know what I feel like doing now? I mean, you know what my impulse is? To take off all my clothes.
Charity Hope Valentine : [stops rubbing Oscar's wrist, steps back] I don't think that would do very much good.
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Oscar Lindquist : [stuck in an elevator] It's stuffy in here. Stuffy, stuffy.
Charity Hope Valentine : No, no, no, let's keep our clothes on, Oscar.
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Oscar Lindquist : I'm a very calm, organized person. I want you to know that if-if-if-if if-if-if-if if-if-if-if it really comes down to it, you can depend on me. You understand that?
Charity Hope Valentine : Yeah, I understand.
Oscar Lindquist : Yeah. I just hope it doesn't come down to it.
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Oscar Lindquist : May I see you tomorrow? Maybe we could go to a movie.
Charity Hope Valentine : Okay, but one with a happy ending. I'm nuts about happy endings.
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Charity Hope Valentine : [looks in the mirror] "Sweet Charity." Sweet Charity? Sweet Charity.
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Oscar Lindquist : You know, working in a bank can be very dangerous, you know? In the greater New York area the odds are 1 in 75 that you will be held up at least once in any 12-month period.
Charity Hope Valentine : Listen, just livin' is dangerous, right?
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Charity Hope Valentine : Gee, for a weirdo, he's very nice.
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Charity Hope Valentine : I already told him.
Nickie : You told him?
Charity Hope Valentine : Yup.
Helene : You mean you *really* told him?
Charity Hope Valentine : Yes, I told him! I told him!
Nickie : When?
Charity Hope Valentine : Tomorrow, that's when I told him.
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Oscar Lindquist : Charity, I'd just about given up ever finding anybody like you. I mean, the world's gone crazy. Every - everything's all mixed up. I mean, the old standards of decency and - and morality, they don't seem to mean anything anymore. When I see the way the girls at the office are passed around, and - the jokes they tell about them are - well, I get sick, Charity. Most people would laugh if I told 'em that.
Charity Hope Valentine : I'm not laughing, Oscar.
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Charity Hope Valentine : Boy, oh boy, am I sick and tired of that musical snake pit down there.
Helene : Well, what's so bad about it? I mean, you dance a little, talk a little, roll your eyes a little, swivel your hips a little.
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Nickie : How are things going with the goofball?
Charity Hope Valentine : Who?
Nickie : You know, the hand kisser.
Charity Hope Valentine : Him? Who needs him? I don't need him. I don't need anybody, and, if I needed anybody, it sure wouldn't be him.
Helene : She's nuts about him.
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Charity Hope Valentine : [singing] I'm a brass band, I'm a harpsichord, I'm a clarinet, I'm the Philadelphia Orchestra, I'm the Modern Jazz Quartet, I'm the band from Macy's Big Parade, A wild Count Basie blast, I'm the bells of St Peter's in Rome, I'm tissue paper on a comb, And all kinds of music, Is pouring out of me...
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Charity Hope Valentine : This is Herman, affectionately known as "Der Führer".
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Charity Hope Valentine : He's kind of gruff on the outside, but inside, he's really a very rotten person.
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Charity Hope Valentine : Oscar, listen. I could change the way I talk and I could change the way I dress, you know. But there's certain things a person can't change because they're history. And you can't change history, Oscar, no matter how much you want to.
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Oscar Lindquist : Don't you understand? I would destroy you.
Charity Hope Valentine : But that's okay. I'm not doing much now, anyway.
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Charity Hope Valentine : Oscar, I got so much to give. Please, let me give it to you.
Oscar Lindquist : Charity, I'm saving you. I'm saving you from me.
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Charity Hope Valentine : I'm very flexible, you know. I can go either way.
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Charity Hope Valentine : [singing] Looking inside me, What do I see? Anger and hope and doubt, What am I all about? And where am I going?
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Charity Hope Valentine : [singing] Where am I going? Why do I care? Run to the Bronx, Or Washington Square, No matter where I run, I meet myself there...
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Charity Hope Valentine : It was beautiful. It was beautiful, just like in the movies.