The Bed Sitting Room (1969)
Michael Hordern: Bules Martin
Photos
Quotes
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Bules Martin : Well, you know, you've been a bit off-colour.
Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Yes, I know, and what's more, I've not been eating anything.
Bules Martin : Why is that?
Lord Fortnum of Alamein : I can't get the stuff.
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Bules Martin : My advice: Charge 20 quid rent, be mindful of drafts...
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Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Well, things were going swimmingly until that, eh, well, until they dropped the ol', well, now, you know...
Bules Martin : Oh, the ol' vroom!
Lord Fortnum of Alamein : That's the...
Bules Martin : Did the noise keep you awake?
Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Oh, I slept through it all right. Yes, in fact, I was in England, still abed, albeit in a club chair, the Third World War took place. I didn't get a chance to join the regiment.
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Bules Martin : I was standing by, ready to face the enemy, whoever they might be, and I couldn't find them. Tell me, do you know, who was the enemy?
Lord Fortnum of Alamein : I haven't the least idea.
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Lord Fortnum of Alamein : I thought, Doctor, I thought you'd might give me breakfast as a prescription against malnutrition.
Bules Martin : Ah, yes, well, take, um, 30 milligrams of egg on toast.
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Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Doctor, look, since this thing dropped. This-this rude thing--this, um, eh...
Bules Martin : Vroom.
Lord Fortnum of Alamein : That's the fellow. I-I-I had terrible, morbid fears. I think--I may turn into a bed-sitting room.
Bules Martin : Eh, eh, that's probably atomic mutations. There's a lot of it about.
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Bules Martin : What were you doing before this, then?
Shelter Man : I was in the Army, actually. I'm a Captain.
Bules Martin : Oh, I say! What regiment?
Shelter Man : Oh, we didn't know, owing to the Official Secrets Act.
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Bules Martin : Oh, it's getting late. Now for my humiliation. Now, what have I done with my Defeat of England medal?
[removes bowler and looks towards the sky]
Bules Martin : Your Majesty, I'm sorry that I've failed you. I tried to catch the thing before it hit the Palace, but one of your corgis bit me!
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Under Water Vicar : Will you join hands please. Good. Good. And now for a good book.
[singsongy]
Under Water Vicar : I'm a naughty gamekeeper. Took her in to the potting shed. And lies her upon the ground. And we...
Bules Martin : Huh? I say, all's that in the Bible?
Under Water Vicar : No, it's "Lady Chatterly's Lover."
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Bules Martin : My God! When was my last virility test?
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Father : Sit down, son. Your bride is in labor.
Bules Martin : Oh, God! Daddy, I need a drink.
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The BBC : What will you have, old boy?
Bules Martin : I'll have a large--eh--water.
The BBC : Water?
Bules Martin : No. Not for me.
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Inspector : Evening. We're looking for a man.
Bules Martin : Are you indeed, Inspector? There aren't many of us left, you know.
Inspector : We're also looking for a bed-sitting room.
Bules Martin : Aren't we all!
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Bules Martin : Perhaps it wasn't the Russians and Americans who dropped it, then. Perhaps it was Rent-a-Kill.
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Lord Fortnum of Alamein : [as a bed-sitting room] Stop! Stop! Stop, in the name of the Lord.
Mate : Here, it's God! It's God! He's come back on us. Good ol' God, mate.
[singing]
Mate : For he's a jolly good fellow.
[talking]
Mate : He's a--He's a socialist, you know.
Lord Fortnum of Alamein : Quiet! Labour scum!
Mate : What? He's--he's a frickin' Conservative!
Bules Martin : Here, hold on a second. You don't sound like God. You sound like Lord Fortnum.
Lord Fortnum of Alamein : I--eh--I also do impressions.