Carry on Up the Khyber (1968)
Kenneth Williams: The Khasi of Kalabar
Photos
Quotes
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The Khasi of Kalabar : May the benevolence of the god Shivoo bring blessings on your house.
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : And on yours.
The Khasi of Kalabar : And may his wisdom bring success in all your undertakings.
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : And in yours.
The Khasi of Kalabar : And may his radiance light up your life.
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : And up yours.
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The Khasi of Kalabar : [unimpressed by the Fakir's performance] Bring on the dancing girls. Get rid of this idiot!
Bungdit Din : Fakir! Off!
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[after a servant rings a gong, in the style of the famous Rank Organisation logo]
The Khasi of Kalabar : I do wish you wouldn't keep doing that. Rank stupidity!
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[the Khasi's soldiers are fleeing from the kilt-lifted Third Foot and Mouth regiment]
The Khasi of Kalabar : What are you running from? There's nothing to be afraid of
[turns to look at the exposed regiment]
The Khasi of Kalabar : Ooh, I dunno though!
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The Khasi of Kalabar : Unlike the British, we are not tiffin mad.
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The Khasi of Kalabar : [Lady Ruff Diamond has the photograph] I must take that with me now.
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Then take me with it.
The Khasi of Kalabar : But what about your husband?
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Oh, we don't want him!
The Khasi of Kalabar : Will he not be displeased that you come away with me?
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Oh, of course.
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : [tearful] My poor Sidney will be ever so upset!
The Khasi of Kalabar : Oh, do not worry unduly, before many days he and the others will all be dead.
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : [happy] Oh well, that's all right then, innit!
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The Khasi of Kalabar : They will die the death of a thousand cuts!
Princess Jelhi : Oh! But that's horrible!
The Khasi of Kalabar : Not at all my little desert flower, the British are used to cuts!
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Princess Jelhi : What is there to fear from a warrior who wears nothing underneath his skirt?
The Khasi of Kalabar : Oh my child, you have not made war. But think how frightening it would be to have such a man charging at you with his skirt flying in the air and flashing his great big bayonet at you.
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The Khasi of Kalabar : Go to the women's quarters and pay your respects to your mother.
Princess Jelhi : Which one is she again?
The Khasi of Kalabar : Oh, how many more times? She with the hair like burnished copper and the eyes as green as emeralds, and number thirty two stamped on her back.
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The Khasi of Kalabar : Dear Lady, I do not make love.
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : You don't?
The Khasi of Kalabar : No, I am extremely rich, I have servants to do everything for me.
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The Khasi of Kalabar : You scratch my back and I will scratch yours.
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond : Ooh, that might be interesting for a start.
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The Khasi of Kalabar : As a mark of my deep respect for Your Excellency's person, I have come to offer you and your people safe conduct out of Kalabar.
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : A very magnanimous gesture. And er... if I do not wish to leave?
The Khasi of Kalabar : Then, Your Excellency, I shall be forced, most reluctantly, to burn the residency to the ground and kill everyone in it.
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond : Is that all?
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The Khasi of Kalabar : By the time I'm finished, their stiff upper lips will be so limp they'll be hanging down to their navels!
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The Khasi of Kalabar : A thing like that leaves them unmoved but put the tea in the cup before the milk and they go berserk!