- Miles Gloriosus: Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement!
- Pseudolus: Very good! Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?
- Pseudolus: Don't you know? When they start to smile, the end is near. I hear it's lovely on Crete. Everyone lying there... smiling.
- Miles Gloriosus: What is she like?
- Pseudolus: A face so fair, a heart so pure - Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she!
- Miles Gloriosus: As magnificent as that?
- Miles Gloriosus: You, slave, will be torn apart by horses, to the plaudits of the troops and the amusement of the children.
- Domina: Forgive me for ever having mistrusted you, my darling. But you HAVE been a little distant these past 29 years.
- Lycus: If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times; do not fan the girls when they're wet! But you'll never learn, you'll be a eunuch all your life.
- Domina's Mother: Gone to see a nose-grinder, indeed. He's cavorting with those courtesans.
- Domina: But Mother, what can I do?
- Domina's Mother: Return to Rome immediately, before he can do what no doubt he's already done. Go!
- [whips Domina]
- Pseudolus: We'll need a body. Anybody's body.
- Hysterium: Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher?
- Pseudolus: He owes me a favor! But he died yesterday.
- Hysterium: Uh - what about HIS body?
- Pseudolus: Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see... who do we know that's dead?
- [He covers his eyes with his hand]
- Hysterium: [sadly] I wish *I* was.
- [Pseudolus uncovers his eyes, turns and grins madly at him as if to say, "Aha! That's it!"]
- Miles Gloriosus: [about to leave his fiance's funeral] But first, a farewell kiss.
- Pseudolus: Of course!
- [kisses him]
- Miles Gloriosus: Not you!
- Pseudolus: [talking to the audience about the mare's sweat he needed for his potion] Would you believe it? There was a mare sweating not two streets away!
- Erronius: [bumping into Hysterium, who is holding a plucked chicken] Pardon me young woman. I'm sorry, but... Oh, what a lovely baby!
- Pseudolus: [to the stammering Hysterium] Calm yourself down! I'll tell you when it's time to panic!
- Miles Gloriosus: [notices the tampered hourglass] I smell mischief here!
- Pseudolus: [suddenly filled with dread] It's time.
- Lycus: She was sold just this morning.
- Hero: Sold! Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!
- [tries to stab himself and misses]
- Pseudolus: [takes the blade] Behave yourself!
- Lycus: [resuming] He'll pick her up within the hour.
- Hero: Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!
- [takes another knife out, tries to stab himself, and misses yet again]
- Pseudolus: Put your bosom away!
- Pseudolus: [He sees Philia kissing Senex but thinks its's Hero; to the audience] He gets to look more and more like his father every day.