- Gen. Katrina Grimovitch: Michael, run!
- Michael Joseph Valentine: Run? Do you think I'm yellow?
- [after gunshot breaks glass]
- Michael Joseph Valentine: Shake hands with a lemon!
- Paul Stertorius: You don't realize death is staring you in the face!
- Michael Joseph Valentine: Well, look the other way.
- Michael Joseph Valentine: [about to be stabbed] Wait! May I make one last request?
- Albert Miller: Yes.
- Michael Joseph Valentine: Put away that knife!
- Albert Miller: Why, you!
- Michael Joseph Valentine: [to Sterorius] Yeah, well, there's a body here somewhere, and I'm gonna find it.
- Victor O'Brien: All right, come on, produce the corpus delicti.
- Michael Joseph Valentine: One thing at a time. Produce the body first.
- Victor O'Brien: [about Valentine] When that anteater buries his nose in the pillow, it leaves an impression on the mattress.
- Victor O'Brien: Ooh, ooh! That guy gives me a terrible headache! Joe, Joe, get me an aspirin. Here put it on a slice of bread. I'm hungry too!