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1-56 of 56
- The sack contains a melon and a note to say that Daphne will be returned if the Pathan can have their pornographic books back, plus the company's rifles. A plan is formed to send Lofty out with fake rifles used in the group's 'Desert Song' number, followed by the others but they fail to reach the tribesmen, who raid the fort in the men's absence, destroying their water containers. This means the company must drink engine water, medicine and gin, which causes them to pass out, but when they come to they find that Daphne has been returned on a white horse, given her by the chieftain, whom she sees as quite a charmer.
- Having seen a lavish Busby Berkeley number on film, Gloria plans to stage a water ballet, based on a raft in the river. The colonel, impressed by his vision, invites several bigwigs to watch the rehearsal. Unfortunately it is a total disaster. The 'mermaids' cannot walk from the dressing room to the river bank, the waterfall feature floods everywhere, and the smoke effect gets out of hand, obscuring the act. As the smoke clears, all that remains of the aqua ballet is Graham sitting at the piano on the raft as it floats downstream.
- The false alarms continue. An apparent gun is made of chocolate. Then the men are aware of the dynamite in a pit underneath the maharajah's bedroom and Lofty is sent down to get rid of it. Unfortunately he gets stuck and nearly triggers it off, so that Williams has to go down and rescue him. The maharajah explains that the dynamite is there to blow a hole in order to build a swimming pool. And why do the men believe he will be killed by one of his seven sons when he only has five? That is because they are guarding the wrong maharajah. It's the one who lives across the road whom they should have helped. But it's too late - as they see his palace get blown sky high.
- Gloria is court-martialled for hitting the sergeant-major, his punishment being he can never play Ginger Rogers again. Then Parkin takes a Morse code message. The men are to supply a bridge to take medical supplies, so, after the predicted trial and error, a shaky rope bridge is eventually built. However, when the doctor arrives it seems that Parkin blew it again. The request was for a fridge, not a bridge, which is just as well as the men's feeble effort collapses with them on it, requiring the doctor to rescue them with an existing pontoon bridge which was fortunately there all along.
- Williams hatches a mean plan to get the men into trouble by arranging a gig with free food for them at the Kama Sutra Club, a disreputable local establishment which is out of bounds to the soldiers. To avoid detection they enter the club dressed as military policemen but the show goes down very badly and ultimately is raided because of the naughty goings-on upstairs. The men put on their military police uniforms in order to escape but Williams, who has also gone to the club to rescue Parkin, is left wearing a clown's outfit.
- Whilst checking the payroll accounts, Ashwood finds he is almost 500 rupees short and tells Williams, who searches the men's bags, unaware that Lofty has seen him. Told by Lofty what he has seen, the men are outraged and drug Williams, searching his private box - only to find a letter to say how much he likes them all. The officers are also searched and Colonel Reynolds is found to have the money on him. However he explains that he found a parachute and sold it for 500 rupees and plans to give the men a party with it. Ultimately Graham checks the accounts to find no money is missing, Ashwood just made a miscalculation.
- In an effort to get rid of him, the men persuade Williams to apply for a new fast track process promoting sergeant majors to lieutenants. The Colonel and the Captain fear he is too common and put him to the test by giving him dinner with the Brigadier. However a series of mishaps and the fact that the Brigadier also rose from the ranks leads to his approving Williams' bid for promotion. But the war only has months to go and Williams does not want to waste them at officer training camp so he withdraws his application.
- The men are amused to learn that Williams had an affair with a titled married woman. Ashwood is disgusted but he has further problems when a female welfare officer, Captain Tollemache, takes a shine to him, marooning them both in the jungle when their jeep 'accidentally' runs out of petrol. The men answer his distress call and take petrol out to him but Lofty spills some, Williams throws down a dog end and a fire is started. After the men put out the fire they find the two captains asleep in a tree.
- Learning that soldiers with a university degree could get instant promotion to sergeant, Williams sees another means of breaking up the concert party. Gunner Graham has a degree and, if he is promoted and leaves the group, they will be minus their pianist and have to disband. Williams offers to take Graham for a drink, but the men slip Graham a 'Micky Finn' drug, so he will behave badly and not get promoted. Inevitably Williams drinks the glass with the Micky Finn in it and goes on the rampage but Graham uses the situation to get out of being promoted.
- The plane carrying the concert party crash lands in the jungle. The pilot is knocked unconscious but nobody is hurt. However the radio is damaged and the group have no idea where they are - possibly behind enemy lines. They send out a scouting group who capture some oriental-looking gentlemen. However they are Chinese waiters at a local restaurant and the men are only five miles away from the nearest town.
- The concert party is engaged to perform at a remote air base in Jawani, whose men have not seen a woman in years and are feeling sex-starved. Seeing a picture of Gloria in drag, they assume he is a real woman and chant "We want Gloria." The Colonel feels the others should perform without Gloria but Gloria suggests that everybody drags up so that the audience will know that they are actually men. Unfortunately the audience believes that they are all women and chase them back to their plane.
- Colonel Reynolds is conducting an affair with the wife of a colleague, Daphne Waddilove-Evans, whose Chinese maid Ling Su is acting as a go-between for their correspondence. When Williams sees Ling Su he is very taken by her and arranges a date with her in the moonlight. The men hear of this and decide to follow and take a compromising photograph but, due to a series of accidents, Williams is photographed with Daphne instead. Solly clears things up by explaining it was all a rehearsal for a farce they were staging.
- The company arrives at the village of Tin Min, on the Burmese border, where they find a group of Australian soldiers. One of their number, Okker, has gone missing and they refuse to budge until they locate him. Believing that Aussies like big women, Ashwood gets Mac to drag up and go into the jungle to lure Okker back - he finds him but scares him off. Then it is decided that Gloria will dress as a girl and sing a siren song. This succeeds in attracting a tiger, which chases Gloria up a tree, where he finds Okker.
- After accidentally being hit on the head by a coconut, Gloria undergoes a strange transformation into a fearless, serious soldier, killing a snake with his bare hands. He and Williams attack a Japanese camp, forcing the soldiers to retreat. He is rewarded with a medal but by this time he has returned to his old self and faints when it is pinned on him.
- Whilst Williams is getting his smart new uniform Solly is auditioning snake charmers,one of whose cobras escapes and ends up under Williams's bed. Williams is urged to keep playing the snake charmer's flute and moving it about to stop the cobra attacking him. Rumzan joins him but unfortunately attracts another snake. The cobras have to be shot but this also involves putting bullet holes in Williams's new uniform.
- After Williams has put the men through a tough training regime and Graham, who has a book about the mutiny on the 'Bounty' stands up to him, Lofty falls asleep and has an odd dream. All the company are on the 'Bounty' and Graham, in the Fletcher Christian role, leads a mutiny which results in Captain Bligh - or Williams - being cast adrift in a boat with Lofty. Severe hunger drives Williams to try and eat Lofty's leg but when Lofty wakes up he finds Williams actually is biting his leg. Lofty has been bitten by a snake and the sergeant-major is sucking the poison out.
- Parkin goes from one disaster to another. Asked to clear a mess from the yard he has the officer's mess demolished. However Williams still thinks he is his son and constantly defends him. Rangi gets blood samples from the sergeant major and the gunner,proving that the lad is not Williams' son. Parkin is relieved but the men realise that Williams must continue to believe Parkin is his son to keep him in the concert party and stop them from being posted up country. They therefore tinker with the samples to keep Williams in blissful ignorance of the truth.
- The whole party heads to the North-West Frontier of India, near the Khyber Pass. Reynolds' affair with Daphne is revealed and she goes with them. They come across Pathan tribesmen who attempt to sell them some pornography and the Brits confiscate it. This angers the Pathan. The party are hiding in an old fort from the tribesmen when it is noticed that Daphne has been kidnapped by the locals. A sack is thrown over the wall to land at the men's feet. Does it contain Daphne's head?
- Burgess the padre is shocked by some of the company's raunchier numbers and decides to come and assess it - the same day that a Captain de Wolfe is arriving. He is from entertainments H.Q. and is assessing the men for a different reason. If their performance is not up to scratch they will be disbanded - and their best numbers are the ones of which Burgess disapproves. A mix-up in medicals ear-marks Williams for a hated desk job so, unusually, he decides to save the company - so he can stay with it. He waylays Burgess on his way to see the show and keeps him talking long enough so that, when he turns up, he sees only a very chaste song number. De Wolfe, on the other hand, has seen all the saucy stuff and agrees to the party's continuing.
- Sent into the jungle to collect a rare plant for Ashwood, Lofty is followed home by an elephant, which eats Ashwood's plant and all the other plants at the base. Its appetite is voracious and the Colonel gives the order to shoot it. However its owner arrives to retrieve it, claiming that it once performed to music in a circus and was attracted to follow Lofty because he was singing.
- In Camp Deolali, at the close of World War Two, a British army concert party is rehearsing 'Top Hat' to entertain the troops, when word comes that there will be an anti-British protest by locals. RSM Williams, a disciplinarian, finds the men's appearances sloppy. New arrival Gunner Parkin takes over in the show when gunner Mack is stricken with the runs but the performance is halted by the demonstrators, who pelt Williams with cow dung.
- As it is rumored that one of the sons of the Maharajah of Bharatpah is planning to murder his father, the concert party are sent to the Maharajah's palace to protect him. It is decided that 'Lofty' the shortest but tubbiest member of the group, will jump out in front of the Maharajah to save him from attack. He does this several times but each is a false scare. Meanwhile the Maharajah thrashes Williams at snooker by cheating.
- With the war about to end, everybody talks about their ambitions once they become civilians again. Then a newspaper obituary announces that Gunner Graham's rich aunt Lucinda has died. It is likely that she will be leaving him, her only relative, all her money and, consequently officers and men alike are very nice to him in the hopes that he will share his windfall. Graham is persuaded to give a piano recital during which a letter arrives to say that Aunt Lucinda has left all her money to charity. The audience boo him.
- With the war over the villagers, led by Mr. Puhara, want to return to their home which was commandeered by the army. Williams refuses but the officers over-rule him and allow the villagers back. In the light of Williams' resentment Puhara leads a revolt, tearing down the Union Jack and spitting on it. Williams has him arrested and put in a cell where he is bitten by a scorpion. Williams saves his life, a truce is called and the villagers return home officially.
- Williams is still much smitten by Daphne Waddilove-Evans' maid Ling Soo, but her father does not approve. Williams is subject to death threats by the Tong, a sinister band of Chinese gangsters and attempts are made to kill him. Rangi arranges for the sergeant-major to meet Ling Soo, who suggests that they elope. But he refuses, as he could never leave the army.