- [on Owen Hart running away from Stone Cold Steve Austin] Looks like Owen opened up a can of haul-ass!
- She wants me. I can read her like a book, but I prefer the Braille edition.
- You know J.R., obviously the only exercise you get is stretching the truth or jumping to conclusions.
- Andy Kaufman's mom wanted a girl, his father wanted a boy, and they were both satisfied!
- If the Japanese are so smart, why do they eat with sticks?
- [about Road Dogg] When he was in Desert Storm, he was getting shot at by both sides.
- [Stone Cold Steve Austin says he'll knock Vince McMahon's teeth out] "I don't think they are real anyway, but I don't think McMahon wants to lose them".
- [talking to Takao Yoshida about foreigners] Statistics prove that somewhere in Japan, a woman gives birth to a baby every four seconds. Now I'm going to go over there and find that woman and put a stop to it so we wouldn't have people like this coming into our country.
- [Jim Ross mentions that Lawler would be wrestling at a local event] That's right, I'll be there. You know my only regret is that I can't sit out in the audience and watch me.
- I'd like to see things from your point of view JR, but I'd have to get my head out of my rear end.
- Panties aren't the greatest thing in the world, but they're next to them.
- [to Jim Ross] You have diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain!"
- [Terry Funk did a moonsault and hit his leg on the security railing] The only thing harder than Terry Funk's legs are his arteries.
- [commenting on the movie Congo (1995)] I've seen better film on teeth.
- [to X-Pac] If brains were chocolate, he still wouldn't fill an M&M!
- [talking to Jim Ross prior to a bikini contest] Should Viagra be taken now or, it takes a little while to kick in you know? [Jim Ross says Lawler doesn't need it] "No, I'm talking about you, J.R."
- Women! Can't live with 'em, no resale value.
- Everytime I look at Luna's face, I think she should put the bag back on.
- When Sunny was in school she wasn't very good in history, but she was great on dates!
- Mabel is so huge, when he was a baby, he got baptized at Sea World!
- [Jim Ross implies that Sunny is too young for Lawler] I'm not embarrassed to be seen with younger women, except when I drop them off at school.
- Mark Henry just walked in front of me. I thought it was an eclipse!
- [a five year old girl cheering Shawn Michaels] Look at her! Now I know why animals eat their young.
- Helen Hart is so old, she remembers when the Dead Sea was sick.
- Mae Young is so old, when David killed Goliath, she called the cops!
- Cheating is only cheating when you get caught.
- This is bad! We should call the police. What's the number for the police around here again? 911-DONUTS or something?
- Diesel is so stupid, he thought Hamburger Helper came with a person.
- [Tazz tells Lawler to say his wise cracks to his face] Tell him to come down and I will tell him how short he is to his face. If I can bend down that far!
- [Sunny comes to the ring with her chest showing] I don't know what the seven wonders of the world are, but I do know that Sunny has two of them!
- I'm not a racist like Bret Hart, I hate everybody equally!
- Is that Paul Bearer's face, or did his butt grow a nose?
- [on Ahmed Johnson] He has the IQ of 2 and it takes 3 just to grunt!
- [on Mankind] That guy is two fries short of a Happy Meal.
- Paul Bearer has more chins than a Chinese phone book!
- Paul Bearer is so fat, he has his own gravitational pull!
- This bingo hall (ECW Arena) should be built out of toilet paper because there's nothing in it but s**t!
- [about a ringside fan on camera] He can pick up cable with those ears!
- [on Sable, wearing an extremely revealing outfit] I've seen more cotton on the top of an aspirin bottle!
- Yokozuna is nothing but an ingrate! If it was not for James E. Cornette, Yokozuna would still be on a beach selling shade!
- [on Alundra Blayze] She's got a million dollar body, but a ten cent face!
- Vince McMahon thinks Snoop Doggy Dog belongs to Charlie Brown!
- [after Vince McMahon said Road Dogg can sing as good as well as he can wrestle] Then he won't win many matches!
- I'm not saying that Stu Hart is old, but I hear that Anna Nicole Smith is asking him out on a date.
- I've heard of a face that could stop a clock, her face could stop Switzerland's!
- Hey Finkel, the last time I saw something like you, I flushed it!
- I saw this guy having a drink in the bathroom before. Then the seat fell down and hit him on the head!
- A little sex on TV never hurt anyone...unless you fall off!
- [to Vince McMahon] You're so cheap, you wouldn't even tip a canoe!
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