- After all those years of doing a live, hour-and-a-half show every week, I've got nothing more I need to prove.
- The things I see now on TV and in movies are so outlandish. Kids doing rude things with pies! And the language that they use! It's being outrageous for the sake of being outrageous. I can't watch it. It turns me off.
- The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.
- When I did comedy I made fun of myself. If there was a buffoon, I played the buffoon. And people looked at me and said, "Gee, that's like Uncle David", or "That's like a friend of mine.". And they related through that. I didn't make fun of them. I made fun of me.
- The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
- I got that one from the kids in the hall
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